futility

This whole day was filled with struggle. I have PMS and no matter how many times I have dealt with it - I am still surprised by it. It always overwhelms me and brings out all my doubts and insecurities and irritations. It's more than just crazy thoughts - its a whole attitude of doubt and desperation. I always find myself wondering if God is there, wonder if He cares for me, wonder if He will ever shine on me again? I try to tell myself the truth and I believe it but it never takes the funk away. I am listening to worship music now - it helps and takes my thoughts off of myself. That's the real problem - I spend too much time going over my own interior thoughts again and again - it feels endless. Worship is the only thing to be done.

This mornings prayer felt like an exercise in futility. I keep trying to let go and be abandoned to God - let Him have all of me - hold nothing back. It feels like I have to work too much, and that God is not there. My head is filled with distractions and sleep still - i do not know how to be free of those things. Before when i have felt the Lord's presence it has felt like His work entirely - and that I had nothing to do with it - so in some sense all this 'work' feels like its the wrong thing. Shouldn't this just be a gift from God? Then when He doesn't cooperate so to speak - I wonder what I am doing wrong. But that is a fair question - what sin of mine is in the way? - what have I not confessed? What idol is blocking my view of Him?

Lord teach me - guide me - show me - remove my idols, strip me of my lies, purify my heart and hands. I want to be near You - I want everything that is in the way moved to the side. Help my heart to desire my worship of You more than anything else. Free me from myself - let me belong totally to You.