stuck under layers

I have been feeling lately as I pray that I am stuck. It is such a struggle to escape my own mind and flesh. I feel like as I pray I continually need to be pushing aside all my own sin and continually confess, sweeping it away with my hand. the next layer is all my distracted thoughts - all the random bits of life that invade when we are quiet, and I try and sweep that away with my other hand. Yet I still feel buried under sin and distractions and I never really get free of it - they just keep piling back over me again and again. And I feel buried. I never feel like I meet with God and then I give up and just pray for all of my requests amongst all the crap swirling around in my mind. It feels like a big mess.

I keep wondering if this sweeping away is my work to do - or the Lord's? Will He take care of this or am I supposed to keep trying? Even the word 'trying' sounds wrong. How am I to be still and wait - when my mind will not settle?

training pants

I had a brief vision while I prayed yesterday. It was of a baby who was in training pants. I asked God what it meant and He said - 'you are in training'.

My son is potty trained. Yet here I am nine months later still cleaning up his messes - regularly. He knows what he is supposed to do that much is clear...but he can't seem to remember that fact all of the time nor control himself all of the time. I struggle with these same things. Remembering who God is and His heart for me, and also remembering who I am - that He has made me new and I do not have to present myself to sin.

But I also need to remember that I am not perfect. He is. That I will screw this up a lot. I will make big messes. And that He is filled with grace and mercy and patience to cover all of that.

It is a lot easier to let God have all of me - knowing He knows all of me. I am dust and He is God. But also that He wanted to let me know it's OK - He knows I will screw this up a lot - but that He will be with me all along the way, cleaning me up, dusting me off, setting me on my feet to toddle off again and figure it out.

i want to hide

Today I really want to run and hide from God. Outside it's totally gloomy. It has been gloomy for weeks now - barely a sighting of sun in weeks and this whole week will be more of the same. The weather just echos what it feels like on the inside. I am aching and tired and lonely and frustrated.

That is why I want to hide. In the past, by now I would have turned the TV on to escape this feeling - I really want to do that now. Or I would have gotten something delicious to eat - I have wanted chocolate all day. Or I would have taken out my mood on everyone around me to vent the pain - thankfully the Spirit is exercising control over that. I still want to do all those things but I am desperately trying to turn my mind back to Christ again and again. It helps to turn on worship music to keep my mind focused.

I am trying not to beg God to come. Though I really want Him here - I miss Him. Certainly, I have asked Him to come and be with me but I'm trying not to beg. I know even though I do not feel Him near, that He is always with me. The Spirit never leaves me and Thank God - He intercedes for me in accordance with the will of the Father. I need to remember that.

His will has to be first, and if this is what He has for me right now I need to submit to it. I need to sit and wait and trust and struggle and feel all of this to learn what He wants to know about Him. I need to trust His heart for me, believe His character, remember what he has already given - and continue to worship.

So I will offer Him my desire to hide, and my desire to run and scream out in frustration - as a sacrifice of my flesh - and continue to see Him as He really is. I will keep moving toward Him - I will.

holding back

Today in church we sang a song. Lead Me to the Cross. The chorus goes like this:

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Oh lead me, lead me to the cross

As I was singing I felt an overwhelming sense that the Lord wanted me on my knees. In fact, I could feel his hand strong on me, and my voice stopped singing, I could sense His desire for me to worship Him all the way.

But I didn't. I sat back down in my chair and cried. Why couldn't I get on my knees?

I rationalized in my head that there wasn't room enough between the rows of chairs to fit me, I questioned - wondering if that was what God really wanted. But the real problem was me thinking about what the people around me would think. What would they think? I don't know - I shouldn't care - but for some reason - I did and I do.

What could God have done in me if I was obedient?

This has been a pattern in me. I hold things in reserve. I think God will be OK with my half obedience. I sat down today and cried but I didn't get on my knees. I eat healthy but I haven't given up all that God wants me to. I do just enough to appear vulnerable but I won't appear weak.

What will I do with this so-called reserve? What am I reserving? Certainly not anything worth saving - its just fear, and half-assed crap from my flesh - its not from God.

God - how do I learn to boast in my weakness?  How do I let You take care of everything? How can I learn to obey in even the little things? How do I let go of what everyone else might think? I don't want to have my own reserve - I want only to have what You want to give.

idolatry

I struggle with an addiction to food. It has been part of my flesh for my whole life. I can remember finding comfort in food at a very young age. Last year I lost a bunch of weight. This year has been about overcoming my addiction/idolatry, and letting God heal me. I want to be healed I think.

There are days that I want to just stay as I am in my flesh. That would certainly be easier. Then I could go to a brownie when I need some pleasure. And in that bite I could feel bliss - or rather a shadow of bliss. And I could pretend to be happy.

Then there are the days that I remember why I do want this idolatry killed in me. I have met with God - and nothing compares to His love - nothing. So why would I want this false desire in me - profaning His name, mocking Him, standing in His place. Only He should give me comfort and pleasure. Only He is true bliss.

It's stupid to think that food can fix anything in me. It's stupid to think food can ever stand in for God - really stupid. I know this. Yet I keep trying to make it fit.


Father, put this to death in me. Free me from this sin, and it's pull on me. Give me the courage and the strength to be obedient today. And please give me new mercies each day here after so that I may walk in obedience and faith. You have made me a new creature, and I long to worship You with a free heart. Only you can set me free from this body of death, thanks be to You, Jesus!

i miss you

As I was trying to pray this morning ( my head was swirling with so many dumb distractions, like characters in a book I am reading, and people from a TV show I am watching ) in between all these distractions and also the constant hard work trying to bring my mind back to what I really wanted to be doing - I realized that I miss the Lord. As those words sunk into my heart I cried a little just letting myself feel it.

I know the Lord is with me, I know the Spirit lives in me. But He is not with me like He was. His presence is not close, I can not hear Him, and prayer is a struggle.

I have been wondering then what have I done? If I have done something, I want to know so I can confess it and move forward...but I don't think I have done anything in particular - other than the usual - having a sin nature kinds of things. But I confess any way.

I have been wondering what I can do - Lord what can I do to open myself more to you? So I again dig around my insides looking for something to do or be...and my thoughts come to all the usual things - Do I need to fast? Do I need to be quiet? Do I need to meditate? Do I need to read the Word? These are all good things but which is right - if any?

I can not make God come to me, whether I confess the right things, or do all of these good things. He is God, and He will come when He comes. But I can know that I miss Him, and long for Him with a passion that sometimes scares even me. And I can bring my need, and my desire for him, as an offering. Be willing to worship Him with whatever I am or am not. Recognize how humble I really am before Him, how small.

Maybe He wants me to miss Him, and just be quiet and open - bringing this small offering. So I will keep waiting.

staying open

How do I stay open? Standing on the edge - its hard - its hard to stay open. God is scary. He is not safe, we can not control Him no matter how much we would like to.

I think I have been trying to claw my way to Him. With my every thought and action I am wondering "will this make Him want to be near? or Am I doing something to make Him want to stay away?" I want so badly to hold onto any scrap of what I had with Him last summer. I feel desperate and crazy to know him like that again - like it may never happen, and that perhaps he may never bless me like that again. In fact someone just said to me " You must have known it couldn't last forever...?" I may have known that but I certainly did not wish for it to be over.

But last summer was like taking my first real breath, truly becoming alive for the first time. It was being surrounded by love and purpose all day and all night.

I think to myself, "God should want that for me, right? So why does He not show His presence like that again? I am trying to put myself before Him all the time - I am drawing near - why isn't He?" I know these are wrong thoughts but nonetheless I have been thinking them. So then I come back to me, I am the problem - because in the end it's always our problem. We are the sinners and He is the perfect One. 

So how do we trust someone who by our definition is not safe? How do we stay open? How do we stay open to Him when He is not safe and at times seems like He isn't even listening? Trust and faith...

Trust and faith are the 2 things I am really beginning to learn that I am terrible at. I am praying for God to grow them in me. That I may believe in His goodness even when I do not understand what He is doing. That I would trust His character even when I do not have a clue where this is going. And I don't really know where this is going - except for a few vague leading thoughts at the beginning, that by the way I constantly question - I do not know where this is all heading. But I want to love God more than anything else, and I have had this amazingly grand taste of Him - so I will keep pressing ahead even when I screw it up. I am praying to stand on the edge, praying for God to keep the doors of my heart thrust open to Him, praying that I can keep standing, living in the fear and wait on Him. Wait for Him to show up. Just because He says He will.

last summer

Last summer was amazing. I have never experienced anything like it. I want desperately to return and bask in the Lord again. He has not granted that yet however. One of Frank Laubach's journal entries begins to explain it:

 May 24, 1930

As I analyze myself I find several things happening to me as a result of these 2 months of strenuous effort to keep the Lord in mind every minute. This concentration on God is strenuous, but everything else has ceased to be so. I think more clearly, I forget less frequently. Things which I did with strain before, I now do with easily and with no effort whatever. I worry about nothing and lose no sleep. I walk on air a good part of the time. Even the mirror reveals a new light in my eyes and face. I no longer feel in a hurry about anything. Everything goes right. Each minute I meet calmly as though it were not important. Nothing can go wrong excepting one thing. That God may slip from my mind if I do not keep on my guard. If He is there, the universe is with me. My task is simple and clear.

When I first read this entry - I was so excited to hear about someone else who has has the same experience as me. This was what last summer was like. I am beginning to wonder if it will ever be repeated...but it was worth it to have the Lord's presence for even a few months. There were many moments where I felt like I was
floating. Floating through my day on the will of God. It was like each moment came to me and there was no need to rush. I could hear the Lord continually speaking with me and my mind was always singing His praise. Seriously, in the back of my mind there was always a praise song running. God was filling me up with so much love - there were times I felt so overwhelmed I didn't know what to do with it all. He woke me up at night to pray, He filled my mind during the day with words for people. I was having visions when I prayed as well. And I could have spent hours upon hours in prayer - and it felt like minutes.  Everything around me made more sense, the slow car in front of me, the little pieces of fluff floating in the sky in summer, a tree, the birds - they all fit together in an amazing woven puzzle that sang the Lord's praise. The ministry the Lord had for me - came to me and He filled my mind with thoughts that were not my own - and were often for me as well. He showed me what to read, led me to each scripture, and each book.

It was like I was open for the first time - totally free. It was all a grand gift from the Lord. The most wonderful gift of knowing His heart for me and feeling totally free from myself to worship Him as I am meant to. Will anything ever compare again?

futility

This whole day was filled with struggle. I have PMS and no matter how many times I have dealt with it - I am still surprised by it. It always overwhelms me and brings out all my doubts and insecurities and irritations. It's more than just crazy thoughts - its a whole attitude of doubt and desperation. I always find myself wondering if God is there, wonder if He cares for me, wonder if He will ever shine on me again? I try to tell myself the truth and I believe it but it never takes the funk away. I am listening to worship music now - it helps and takes my thoughts off of myself. That's the real problem - I spend too much time going over my own interior thoughts again and again - it feels endless. Worship is the only thing to be done.

This mornings prayer felt like an exercise in futility. I keep trying to let go and be abandoned to God - let Him have all of me - hold nothing back. It feels like I have to work too much, and that God is not there. My head is filled with distractions and sleep still - i do not know how to be free of those things. Before when i have felt the Lord's presence it has felt like His work entirely - and that I had nothing to do with it - so in some sense all this 'work' feels like its the wrong thing. Shouldn't this just be a gift from God? Then when He doesn't cooperate so to speak - I wonder what I am doing wrong. But that is a fair question - what sin of mine is in the way? - what have I not confessed? What idol is blocking my view of Him?

Lord teach me - guide me - show me - remove my idols, strip me of my lies, purify my heart and hands. I want to be near You - I want everything that is in the way moved to the side. Help my heart to desire my worship of You more than anything else. Free me from myself - let me belong totally to You.

distraction

This morning was difficult. I attempted to open up to God's presence but felt trapped in my own crap. Endless ramblings in my head, stupid concerns, and a ridiculous amount of thoughts trained on myself. I needed to just let go of it all but found it too hard to grasp. I kept trying to return my thoughts to worship and praise but then I would drift off to sleep. Now I know how the disciples must have felt when they were supposed to watch and pray for Jesus in the garden. Sleep and back pain have been definite enemies so far in this journey. I usually sit on the floor to pray but in the last few weeks that has been impossible. I know Brother Lawrence had mastered and even used His pain to focus on the Lord, but I am not there yet.

The rest of the day has been a bit better. It feels like I am able to turn more of my inner monologue into a dialogue with the Lord. Its a start.

morning prayer

This is hard work. I had read in Frank's writings that he would stay in bed each morning until he connected with the Lord and felt His presence. I have been trying to do that - some mornings it comes easier than others - some days I feel like I never find Him. The mornings that I do feel Him - I usually do not stay connected for very long and seem to forget for a long time - until it's finally quiet again.

When I do get through - our time together feels amazing. It's like I float through prayer. He leads me to each thing He wants me to pray about - sometimes people i wasn't even thinking of. The last time that i had a strong connection with Him was on Easter morning. The prayer was filled with visions of light. He led me to each person to pray for in my mind and surrounded them with Light - touching them - filling them, lifting them up, holding them up. It is glorious to be used in this way - to see His hand at work in ways I could never have imagined on my own.

I try to spend an hour each morning in prayer. Some days are great and some are awful and it's all I can do to stay awake. It's also really hard to fit it in on the weekends. My husband wants to sleep in with me, so I try to honor that. But on those days especially (when i haven't prayed) I feel very far away from the Lord, almost lost. Its not till I restart the week and am back in my routine that things tend to fall back into place that I can really feel the Lord again. But the days that I spend with the Lord in morning prayer - they always go better. Not circumstances, but my attitude toward them. I am kinder, and less irritated, and each task feels more like worship and less like drudgery. I definitely want more days like that.