I have had interesting dreams the last 2 nights. I can't remember my dream from the other night - I only remember that it lasted all night and each time I awoke and fell back to sleep I was in the same dream again. I really wish I wrote it down.
But my dream from last night was the same kind of thing - each time I awoke and fell back to sleep I was in the same dream. I was in some kind of institution and I was a teenager. I was with lots of other kids my age - and they all felt like friends - we were all on the same side - in it together. But they were all brainwashed or something like that and I wasn't. However, the people running the place didn't know that I wasn't brainwashed. We were all afraid, we all did what we were told, but all wanted to get away but couldn't.
I started writing to my Mom. But we weren't allowed to send mail, and even if I made it into town - 'they' were in on everything. So I was writing on scraps of paper, and old boxes - whatever I could find and writing in secret. I kept thinking that if I could just get it to my Mom, she would come and find me and rescue us.
At one point I got caught, my letters confiscated, and then I was drugged again. But even in my fog I was still plotting to get away, still trying to write my letters. A friend who also was immune to their brainwashing just up and walked out one night. She just decided to get out and did it.
I woke up still feeling trapped, still in a fog. I immediately asked the Lord if the dream was from Him and what it meant. I received some impressions. I have been reading a book, Experiencing The Spirit by Robert Heidler, and as I was reading it felt like I am missing out on so much of what the Lord has to offer. That trapped feeling is just that - I feel like I am missing something important and that I am waiting for help. My Mom in this dream is a spiritual mother. I have been praying for a long time for a mentor and the Lord has said 'no, not right now' in the past. But recently I have begun to pray again and I feel like I am just waiting for her to be revealed. I also have been feeling like someone - maybe her - is supposed to lay hands on me and pray for an unleashing of the Spirit in me. I also feel like all those friends with me are waiting too but do not know what they are waiting for. Don't know what they need or even want. I certainly didn't know until recently.
I want more of the Spirit, more presence, more power in my life to overcome sin, to see the Lord's amazing works here on earth. To see Him exalted and praised, to see Him displayed mightily in the church. To see many saved, to see healings, and miracles, and much much more of His glory! Holy Spirit Come!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
not sure
I am not even sure want I want to write ... I have been down ... but Lord I want to hope in You - and I do! Yet I feel such a sadness.
Where are all the people to sacrifice? Where are all the people filled with faith? Where are the people to pray? Where are the people to worship with their whole lives? Who is doing your work, Lord?
It seems like too few. It seems like there is not enough power. But what can we do, but to pray and wait on you ... wait in faith for your work to be completed in me and everyone around me.
Where are all the people to sacrifice? Where are all the people filled with faith? Where are the people to pray? Where are the people to worship with their whole lives? Who is doing your work, Lord?
It seems like too few. It seems like there is not enough power. But what can we do, but to pray and wait on you ... wait in faith for your work to be completed in me and everyone around me.
Monday, December 5, 2011
prayer for my church
There is an undercurrent of darkness in my church. The Lord has had it on my heart to pray for many months now. He has asked me to repent for my church. Yet even more ugliness has been revealed. I cried all throughout church on Sunday, I felt like the Lord wanted me to share some of His own pain for His church. I wept for my own sinfulness as well. I cried for many friends who I know are struggling.
I know there are no easy quick answers. But I know God, that you have already provided the victory. That Jesus has already won the day. Hope has already come.
Father, fill my church with conviction of the Holy Spirit. Fill us with faith in your victory and power to overcome sin. Fill us up with grace and compassion and forgiveness. Shower us in Your Light, bring a revival. Bring more people to pray for your truth and faith to win here on earth - in each of our hearts and lives. May our church shine gloriously for You.
I know there are no easy quick answers. But I know God, that you have already provided the victory. That Jesus has already won the day. Hope has already come.
Father, fill my church with conviction of the Holy Spirit. Fill us with faith in your victory and power to overcome sin. Fill us up with grace and compassion and forgiveness. Shower us in Your Light, bring a revival. Bring more people to pray for your truth and faith to win here on earth - in each of our hearts and lives. May our church shine gloriously for You.
Monday, November 28, 2011
questioning unto faith
(this post has been in my drafts for a while - so a bit out of sequence) While on my retreat the Lord put some things together for me.
I have been reading Luke with a friend and discussing. So of course we have read Christ's birth narrative. I have been reflecting on Zechariah's angelic meeting with Gabriel verses Mary's. And how they both asked questions of Gabriel but only one gets rebuked and muted for 9 months. I am afraid up until recently in my faith journey I would have fallen into Zechariah's camp. I have questioned unto doubt. I have doubted God's character, I have questioned His love for me, questioned His desire to bless. It stings to know that about myself, but it is true nonetheless.
Mary questions unto faith. She trusts God's character even when she doesn't know how all the details will work. She knows God's love is true - it is real to her - it is daily truth to her. She has felt His hand of blessing, but hasn't expected blessing as if she deserves it, ... but that is what I have always done. I have expected that being a daughter of the King of the Universe means that I would get certain perks in life. My imagining of life as a princess has been more of fairy tales and less like Christ's life. He came to suffer, to serve, to die. He had no perks in life except one - complete intimacy with the Father.
I felt like God was saying to me while I was praying that I didn't have to be like Zechariah anymore. Even though I do not have it all figured out ( as if I could! ) - even though I could not wrap my brain around all the things that I feel like get in my way when I am questioning - that I could still trust his good character - in faith. He would provide me the faith I need to put that struggle to rest in me - and I could just trust and rest in who He is. I could still wrestle with all my questions but He would help me just say with Mary, ' I am the Lord's servant, and I am willing to accept whatever He wants. May everything you have said come true.' She could say that because she knew God's heart for her - it was her daily truth - Lord make it true of me as well!
I have been reading Luke with a friend and discussing. So of course we have read Christ's birth narrative. I have been reflecting on Zechariah's angelic meeting with Gabriel verses Mary's. And how they both asked questions of Gabriel but only one gets rebuked and muted for 9 months. I am afraid up until recently in my faith journey I would have fallen into Zechariah's camp. I have questioned unto doubt. I have doubted God's character, I have questioned His love for me, questioned His desire to bless. It stings to know that about myself, but it is true nonetheless.
Mary questions unto faith. She trusts God's character even when she doesn't know how all the details will work. She knows God's love is true - it is real to her - it is daily truth to her. She has felt His hand of blessing, but hasn't expected blessing as if she deserves it, ... but that is what I have always done. I have expected that being a daughter of the King of the Universe means that I would get certain perks in life. My imagining of life as a princess has been more of fairy tales and less like Christ's life. He came to suffer, to serve, to die. He had no perks in life except one - complete intimacy with the Father.
I felt like God was saying to me while I was praying that I didn't have to be like Zechariah anymore. Even though I do not have it all figured out ( as if I could! ) - even though I could not wrap my brain around all the things that I feel like get in my way when I am questioning - that I could still trust his good character - in faith. He would provide me the faith I need to put that struggle to rest in me - and I could just trust and rest in who He is. I could still wrestle with all my questions but He would help me just say with Mary, ' I am the Lord's servant, and I am willing to accept whatever He wants. May everything you have said come true.' She could say that because she knew God's heart for her - it was her daily truth - Lord make it true of me as well!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
surrender
How do I give myself to the Lord like that? How do I give Him all? How do I walk naked before Him - reserving nothing for myself? How do I stand always at the edge of the cliff waiting and open? Am I even able to do this - as I feel like you are calling me Father? I hear you calling me, I feel you pulling me there! I am so frightened and yet so exhilarated!
I started reading Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray last night before bed. He was a contemporary of Hudson Taylor living in South Africa as a writer and pastor. I am only a couple pages in and already I am overwhelmed...
He writes "... the condition of God's blessing is absolute surrender of all into His hands"
"I have come with a message to those who are fearful and anxious. God does not ask you to give the perfect surrender in your strength, or by the power of your will; God is willing to work it in you."
Phil 2:13
For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him.
Hudson Taylor wrote that even when we are faithless - He abides faithful ....
So if we are joined in Him, united into His body, one with Him, complete in Christ, sealed with the Holy Spirit, hidden with Christ in God - then even when we are faithless - He is faithful enough for us all and I need not worry - He will not allow me to be put to shame. He will do the faith providing. He will give all that is necessary.
God I am not faithful, I am weak and small, I am tired and worn out, I am powerless. But in You I am filled with all faith, I am strong, I am an heir, I am full of energy, I am new, I am filled with power. I am one with You. May I surrender everything to You.
May I weep at your feet, washing your feet with my hair, praising your name - willing to sacrifice all that is precious to me. It scares me to write that - to have it out there - as if having it in print makes it more true. But that is what I want Lord. I want to worship you with everything that I am.
I started reading Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray last night before bed. He was a contemporary of Hudson Taylor living in South Africa as a writer and pastor. I am only a couple pages in and already I am overwhelmed...
He writes "... the condition of God's blessing is absolute surrender of all into His hands"
"I have come with a message to those who are fearful and anxious. God does not ask you to give the perfect surrender in your strength, or by the power of your will; God is willing to work it in you."
Phil 2:13
For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey Him and the power to do what pleases Him.
Hudson Taylor wrote that even when we are faithless - He abides faithful ....
So if we are joined in Him, united into His body, one with Him, complete in Christ, sealed with the Holy Spirit, hidden with Christ in God - then even when we are faithless - He is faithful enough for us all and I need not worry - He will not allow me to be put to shame. He will do the faith providing. He will give all that is necessary.
God I am not faithful, I am weak and small, I am tired and worn out, I am powerless. But in You I am filled with all faith, I am strong, I am an heir, I am full of energy, I am new, I am filled with power. I am one with You. May I surrender everything to You.
May I weep at your feet, washing your feet with my hair, praising your name - willing to sacrifice all that is precious to me. It scares me to write that - to have it out there - as if having it in print makes it more true. But that is what I want Lord. I want to worship you with everything that I am.
hudson taylor
I have finished Hudson Taylor's biography, it was excellent. But not because it was written so well or anything like that ... it's because He poured out his whole life to the Lord. Nothing was held back, not his wife, not his kids, nothing in his own life, not his own finances, sleep, time - all was given up - gladly to the Lord.
Here are some of the gems:
They would hear a match stuck (even after the most horrible days of travel or struggle) and see the flicker of candlelight which told that Mr. Taylor, however weary, was pouring over the Bible in 2 volumes always at hand. From 2 to 4 am was the time He usually gave to prayer; the time he could be most assured of being undisturbed to wait upon God.
Turning back, Mr Nichol could not help exclaiming " How can you whistle, when our friends are in so much danger?!" " Would you have me anxious and troubled? " was his quiet reply. " That would not help them, and would certainly incapacitate me for my work. I have just to roll the burden on the Lord."
He abideth faithful and cannot deny Himself. If we are really trusting in Him and seeking from Him, we cannot be put to shame.
Surrender to Christ he had long known, this was something more; this was a new yieldedness, a glad, unreserved handing over of self and everything to Him. It was no longer a question of giving up this or that if the Lord required it; it was a loyal and loving acceptance, a joyful meeting of His will in things little and great, as the very best that could be for His own.
There is a needs-be for us to give ourselves for the life of the world. An easy non-self-denying life will never be one of power. Fruit-bearing involves cross-bearing. There are not 2 Christs - an easy going one for easy going Christians, and a suffering, toiling one for exceptional believers. There is only one Christ. Are you willing to abide in Him and thus bear much fruit?
Wow - and that is only some of it!
I am blown away by the faith God gave to this man.
How I long for such a faith yet feel so unprepared for the trial and suffering that come with it. I guess he was not prepared either ... but oh how he welcomed whatever came from the Lord - as gain. Even when his daughter died, then a son died, even when his wife and newborn child were taken by the Lord, he wept in joy. All was for His glory.
Here are some of the gems:
They would hear a match stuck (even after the most horrible days of travel or struggle) and see the flicker of candlelight which told that Mr. Taylor, however weary, was pouring over the Bible in 2 volumes always at hand. From 2 to 4 am was the time He usually gave to prayer; the time he could be most assured of being undisturbed to wait upon God.
Turning back, Mr Nichol could not help exclaiming " How can you whistle, when our friends are in so much danger?!" " Would you have me anxious and troubled? " was his quiet reply. " That would not help them, and would certainly incapacitate me for my work. I have just to roll the burden on the Lord."
He abideth faithful and cannot deny Himself. If we are really trusting in Him and seeking from Him, we cannot be put to shame.
Surrender to Christ he had long known, this was something more; this was a new yieldedness, a glad, unreserved handing over of self and everything to Him. It was no longer a question of giving up this or that if the Lord required it; it was a loyal and loving acceptance, a joyful meeting of His will in things little and great, as the very best that could be for His own.
There is a needs-be for us to give ourselves for the life of the world. An easy non-self-denying life will never be one of power. Fruit-bearing involves cross-bearing. There are not 2 Christs - an easy going one for easy going Christians, and a suffering, toiling one for exceptional believers. There is only one Christ. Are you willing to abide in Him and thus bear much fruit?
Wow - and that is only some of it!
I am blown away by the faith God gave to this man.
How I long for such a faith yet feel so unprepared for the trial and suffering that come with it. I guess he was not prepared either ... but oh how he welcomed whatever came from the Lord - as gain. Even when his daughter died, then a son died, even when his wife and newborn child were taken by the Lord, he wept in joy. All was for His glory.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Colossians 1
During the full day of prayer on the prayer retreat, the Lord highlighted many things for me, and I tried to keep in mind the words He had given me that morning. Let yourself be naked before me, wide open, and worship. I kept my dream in mind as I prayerfully read through Colossians. I was expectant and hopeful and I felt the Lord's presence strongly on me, my heart even beat erratically.
These are all parts of Colossians 1:
For we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and your love for all of God's people, which come from your confident hope of what God has reserved for you in heaven.
We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better.
We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people...
Everything was created through Him and and for Him.
As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.
But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don't drift away...
And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory.
God was beginning to link all of these verses together for me as I prayed to understand their meaning.
These are all parts of Colossians 1:
For we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and your love for all of God's people, which come from your confident hope of what God has reserved for you in heaven.
We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better.
We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy, always thanking the Father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people...
Everything was created through Him and and for Him.
As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.
But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don't drift away...
And this is the secret: Christ lives in you. This gives you assurance of sharing his glory.
God was beginning to link all of these verses together for me as I prayed to understand their meaning.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
naked dream
I had a dream last week. The kind that you know are different even while you are having it. It was from the Lord...
In the dream - the Lord asked me to walk around naked. All through my day - while I did all the things I was supposed to do, errands, chores, everything. It was awkward, it was startling to be seen, it was hard not to want to cover myself, it was scary. But all the while I could feel the Lord with me, I could feel Him near, I could hear Him encouraging me. Then later in the day I had to go to a wedding. As soon as I entered, I immediately felt even more naked and wanted to blend in and cover myself. I put on a dress. It was a pink and gold over the top princess dress - not unlike a 'dress up' dress that my girls would love to put on. And so I attended the wedding all 'dressed up' even though the dress was nothing like what everyone else was wearing.
I woke up from the dream and immediately heard the Lord say to me - A...., I have asked you to be naked before me, but you have chosen to cover yourself in your own glory.
Later that day I began looking through the Bible for references to nakedness. Of course Adam and Eve came up, a lot of references to nakedness and shame, and then in Hebrews 4...
For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.
In the dream - the Lord asked me to walk around naked. All through my day - while I did all the things I was supposed to do, errands, chores, everything. It was awkward, it was startling to be seen, it was hard not to want to cover myself, it was scary. But all the while I could feel the Lord with me, I could feel Him near, I could hear Him encouraging me. Then later in the day I had to go to a wedding. As soon as I entered, I immediately felt even more naked and wanted to blend in and cover myself. I put on a dress. It was a pink and gold over the top princess dress - not unlike a 'dress up' dress that my girls would love to put on. And so I attended the wedding all 'dressed up' even though the dress was nothing like what everyone else was wearing.
I woke up from the dream and immediately heard the Lord say to me - A...., I have asked you to be naked before me, but you have chosen to cover yourself in your own glory.
Later that day I began looking through the Bible for references to nakedness. Of course Adam and Eve came up, a lot of references to nakedness and shame, and then in Hebrews 4...
For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.
morning worship
My retreat experience was amazing. Though difficult at times - totally worth it. To have so much quiet, so much focused time, so much time in the Word, was a true gift.
Each of the 2 mornings I had set aside time for us each to have our own worship time before the Lord. I encouraged everyone to bring an iPod filled with worship music so that everyone could worship on their own.
My first morning was so wonderful. I climbed into my top bunk after showering and getting ready for the day, iPod and Bible in hand. I listened to some worship music - it was if the Lord had picked it out for me. He reminded me of His love for me, He helped me take my eyes off myself and turn them to Him. As I turned off the music, He directed me to read Luke 8 - a story that had stood out to me in the last few weeks. It's the story of the immoral woman who weeps at Jesus' feet, and pours out worship to Him. The Lord opened me wide to hear the Word fresh again. I was so struck by her willingness to give everything she had - to be so seemingly foolish and worship so nakedly in front of those who despised her. I was struck by Jesus saying that those who are forgiven much also love much. I was struck by Jesus saying that her faith saved her.
As I read the story again... the Lord pulled together the things that He desired me to say as we prepared for our day of prayer. I had no idea what he wanted me to say until then. He brought to mind a dream I had had the week before, and tied it together with this story and a selection from Hebrews. It was amazing - it was exactly the thing needed - and He did it all - and I got to experience it all.
Each of the 2 mornings I had set aside time for us each to have our own worship time before the Lord. I encouraged everyone to bring an iPod filled with worship music so that everyone could worship on their own.
My first morning was so wonderful. I climbed into my top bunk after showering and getting ready for the day, iPod and Bible in hand. I listened to some worship music - it was if the Lord had picked it out for me. He reminded me of His love for me, He helped me take my eyes off myself and turn them to Him. As I turned off the music, He directed me to read Luke 8 - a story that had stood out to me in the last few weeks. It's the story of the immoral woman who weeps at Jesus' feet, and pours out worship to Him. The Lord opened me wide to hear the Word fresh again. I was so struck by her willingness to give everything she had - to be so seemingly foolish and worship so nakedly in front of those who despised her. I was struck by Jesus saying that those who are forgiven much also love much. I was struck by Jesus saying that her faith saved her.
As I read the story again... the Lord pulled together the things that He desired me to say as we prepared for our day of prayer. I had no idea what he wanted me to say until then. He brought to mind a dream I had had the week before, and tied it together with this story and a selection from Hebrews. It was amazing - it was exactly the thing needed - and He did it all - and I got to experience it all.
prayer retreat
I just ran a prayer retreat this past weekend. It was my first ever - and I feel like it went rather well. It was 2 nights and 1 1/2 days. On Friday - the only full day I think we prayed for around 8 hours - though not straight through! I had never been on a prayer retreat before - so I didn't even know what to expect. I went to some websites to see what others do - to get an idea. Then I dove in, prayed and asked for God's guidance on the plans. We studied the entire book of Colossians - praying through it in the Lectio Divina style. I didn't give too much instruction - or even many guidelines - I just wanted to give the women who came with me an opportunity to put themselves before the Lord and be quiet for a really long time.
I don't think there is enough quiet in our lives.
It was interesting to hear how the Lord interacted with all of us. The first session - a 2 hour block, Col Chapter 1 - seemed to go really well for everyone after getting past our layer of distraction and surface thoughts. But then after that, meeting with the Lord seemed to come pretty easily for everyone. The hour of intercession during our lunch fast went really easily... but then the 2nd 2 hour block - Col chapter 2 was a mixed review some difficult, some easy - but generally it seemed that continuing to press in was more difficult. The 3rd 2 hour block - Col chapter 3&4 - was quite difficult - we were expecting resolution but not all received what they were hoping for.
At the debrief at dinner that night I asked everyone what they had received from the Lord, what did He highlight for them in scripture, what did they appreciate the most? All were really glad to be set before the Lord for such a long time - for so much quiet - for such a unique opportunity. Everyone it seemed had received different things from the Lord, one women looked at suffering, one at thankfulness and being brought into the kingdom of light, one at the will of God, one at the promises of God, one at fear. God had met with us all so differently - so tailored according to our needs, yet we were all reading the same text.
I don't know if I would do anything different... should I have given more spiritual direction? Should I have debriefed with each woman afterwards? Should we have given more specific instruction? I am really unsure... I guess the Lord will show me over time.
I don't think there is enough quiet in our lives.
It was interesting to hear how the Lord interacted with all of us. The first session - a 2 hour block, Col Chapter 1 - seemed to go really well for everyone after getting past our layer of distraction and surface thoughts. But then after that, meeting with the Lord seemed to come pretty easily for everyone. The hour of intercession during our lunch fast went really easily... but then the 2nd 2 hour block - Col chapter 2 was a mixed review some difficult, some easy - but generally it seemed that continuing to press in was more difficult. The 3rd 2 hour block - Col chapter 3&4 - was quite difficult - we were expecting resolution but not all received what they were hoping for.
At the debrief at dinner that night I asked everyone what they had received from the Lord, what did He highlight for them in scripture, what did they appreciate the most? All were really glad to be set before the Lord for such a long time - for so much quiet - for such a unique opportunity. Everyone it seemed had received different things from the Lord, one women looked at suffering, one at thankfulness and being brought into the kingdom of light, one at the will of God, one at the promises of God, one at fear. God had met with us all so differently - so tailored according to our needs, yet we were all reading the same text.
I don't know if I would do anything different... should I have given more spiritual direction? Should I have debriefed with each woman afterwards? Should we have given more specific instruction? I am really unsure... I guess the Lord will show me over time.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
welcome the desert
I am reading another book... The Beginner's Guide to The Gift of Prophecy by Jack Deere. It is really good - He seems to be a very level headed yet open man - and totally grounded in scripture. I have read his 2 others as well - Surprised by the Holy Spirit, and Surprised by the Voice of God - both were excellent.
I am reading it because I believe God has given me the gift of prophecy and I want to know more about it, and learn how to use my gift to bring God glory. I so long to see God's power displayed in amazing ways in my life and in my church. I believe He wants that too - so I am waiting and praying to hear His leading in whatever He may have me do.
My gift of prophecy is not very strong - as I read in the book - compared to others. I think I am alright with that for now... though Jack Deere does say that we can pray for our gifts to grow and strengthen. But it also seems like a huge responsibility to have a really strong gift - and I do not feel prepared for that - so I will follow along and learn as I go. But I feel the desire in me growing - to see God revealed in this way ... I hope that desire in me is born of God and not some jacked up form of pride. Pride can only lead this all to disaster - in fact that is what I am reading about now - how humility is a foundational quality found in the prophets of the Bible.
Humility he says is found in the desert. "The desert is necessary because no human being has the character to bear perpetual success. Jesus had the character, but His Father did not except Him from the rule. We need failure, pain , and dryness to break the power of our pride. In this life there is no cure for our pride. We are offered a daily reprieve based on the quality of our daily walk with Jesus. The desert is one of those places where we discover our absolute need of that walk... Welcome the desert. It means the gift of humility is being imparted and that promotion or restoration are on the way."
I have not been good at welcoming the desert in the past. I have always fought it. It has inspired bitterness and doubt in me instead of humility and faith. This last year has been different. When the Lord removed His presence from me - I pitched my usual blame, demand and doubt tantrum to the Lord. Thankfully He is way more patient with me than I am and gently led me along to see how ugly I was behaving and helped me to open up to His rebukes and corrections. It certainly wasn't easy but eventually I got the message! And for the first time - I felt like I actually learned something in my desert experience - usually I am so busy fighting against it - I miss the whole point!
Anyway, I still feel like I am in the desert. These last few months have been so busy, difficult, and draining. But I am thankful for the lessons I am learning about God's faithfulness and my need to respond to Him with a steadfast faith in return. It has been hard but good.
I am reading it because I believe God has given me the gift of prophecy and I want to know more about it, and learn how to use my gift to bring God glory. I so long to see God's power displayed in amazing ways in my life and in my church. I believe He wants that too - so I am waiting and praying to hear His leading in whatever He may have me do.
My gift of prophecy is not very strong - as I read in the book - compared to others. I think I am alright with that for now... though Jack Deere does say that we can pray for our gifts to grow and strengthen. But it also seems like a huge responsibility to have a really strong gift - and I do not feel prepared for that - so I will follow along and learn as I go. But I feel the desire in me growing - to see God revealed in this way ... I hope that desire in me is born of God and not some jacked up form of pride. Pride can only lead this all to disaster - in fact that is what I am reading about now - how humility is a foundational quality found in the prophets of the Bible.
Humility he says is found in the desert. "The desert is necessary because no human being has the character to bear perpetual success. Jesus had the character, but His Father did not except Him from the rule. We need failure, pain , and dryness to break the power of our pride. In this life there is no cure for our pride. We are offered a daily reprieve based on the quality of our daily walk with Jesus. The desert is one of those places where we discover our absolute need of that walk... Welcome the desert. It means the gift of humility is being imparted and that promotion or restoration are on the way."
I have not been good at welcoming the desert in the past. I have always fought it. It has inspired bitterness and doubt in me instead of humility and faith. This last year has been different. When the Lord removed His presence from me - I pitched my usual blame, demand and doubt tantrum to the Lord. Thankfully He is way more patient with me than I am and gently led me along to see how ugly I was behaving and helped me to open up to His rebukes and corrections. It certainly wasn't easy but eventually I got the message! And for the first time - I felt like I actually learned something in my desert experience - usually I am so busy fighting against it - I miss the whole point!
Anyway, I still feel like I am in the desert. These last few months have been so busy, difficult, and draining. But I am thankful for the lessons I am learning about God's faithfulness and my need to respond to Him with a steadfast faith in return. It has been hard but good.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
a better plan
I have been going back and forth in a conversation with myself and others about God's sovereignty and our responsibility/free will. I know it is an never-ending circle - no one can ever win this argument. As soon as you argue too much on one side - you lose too much on the other. In the end it is a both/and. God is sovereign and yet somehow we are free to choose. Most of our conversation has been about prayer - does faith play a part, do I need to pray, do my prayers make a difference.... etc.
For me though, God's sovereignty was never in question - I do believe He is in control of all things - and is weaving together all things for His glory and our highest good and joy. My problem is knowing just what my responsibility is. We are called to be co-laborers, not to harden our hearts, to ask, and pray, be persistent, to persevere in prayer, and express our faith - what does all of that mean , look like? Why, what is it all for - if He knows the end - and has control over the end - how do we participate in all of it?
I don't know... my greatest thought on all of it is that somehow in our finite portion of life - it matters. And besides all of that He has commanded us in all these things. So I can either choose to obey and step out in faith and expect Him to lead me along just like He says He will - trusting His character, or I can sit back and do nothing and miss out on being a part of what He is doing.
Either way there will be suffering - that's what this life offers in the end ... but if I am willing to suffer along with Jesus - in whatever He may choose for me - I can experience His mercy, grace, and joy in all of that suffering. The latter sounds like a better plan to me.
As I have gone around and around on this, a theme has kept coming up - a friend put into just the right words for me ... we are spiritually lazy. We have not be doing our part - however meager it may be. We are called to pray, to persist, to have amazing faith, to not harden our hearts, to persevere in prayer, to sacrifice, to speak out the truth, to evangelize - the list could go on forever ... and we simply are not doing it enough. We are not stepping out in faith trusting that God will supply the things that we need in whatever He has called us to. In fact we are not even listening to the call. We are not putting ourselves before Him listening for our call to action. We are not willing to be fools for Him, we are not willing to sacrifice our time, sleep, tv, food, or whatever - to pray, pray and pray some more and then go and do the things He has called us to.
I have been reading a book - Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret. I just started reading it yesterday and already I am struck by his amazing faith. His total willingness to sacrifice, and sacrifice, and sacrifice for the Lord. He lived utterly on faith - it's almost ridiculous to read - I can hardly believe its true! He always expected the Lord to show up and do amazing things - and God did. I have never seen faith like this - I have never known anyone that has lived this kind of poured out life.
It makes me want to pray a lot more. It makes me want to give up more of my crap and be free from it. It makes me want to sacrifice time, food, pleasure - all of those things to see more of the Lord. It makes me want to have more faith - so God can do even more amazing things through me.
For me though, God's sovereignty was never in question - I do believe He is in control of all things - and is weaving together all things for His glory and our highest good and joy. My problem is knowing just what my responsibility is. We are called to be co-laborers, not to harden our hearts, to ask, and pray, be persistent, to persevere in prayer, and express our faith - what does all of that mean , look like? Why, what is it all for - if He knows the end - and has control over the end - how do we participate in all of it?
I don't know... my greatest thought on all of it is that somehow in our finite portion of life - it matters. And besides all of that He has commanded us in all these things. So I can either choose to obey and step out in faith and expect Him to lead me along just like He says He will - trusting His character, or I can sit back and do nothing and miss out on being a part of what He is doing.
Either way there will be suffering - that's what this life offers in the end ... but if I am willing to suffer along with Jesus - in whatever He may choose for me - I can experience His mercy, grace, and joy in all of that suffering. The latter sounds like a better plan to me.
As I have gone around and around on this, a theme has kept coming up - a friend put into just the right words for me ... we are spiritually lazy. We have not be doing our part - however meager it may be. We are called to pray, to persist, to have amazing faith, to not harden our hearts, to persevere in prayer, to sacrifice, to speak out the truth, to evangelize - the list could go on forever ... and we simply are not doing it enough. We are not stepping out in faith trusting that God will supply the things that we need in whatever He has called us to. In fact we are not even listening to the call. We are not putting ourselves before Him listening for our call to action. We are not willing to be fools for Him, we are not willing to sacrifice our time, sleep, tv, food, or whatever - to pray, pray and pray some more and then go and do the things He has called us to.
I have been reading a book - Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret. I just started reading it yesterday and already I am struck by his amazing faith. His total willingness to sacrifice, and sacrifice, and sacrifice for the Lord. He lived utterly on faith - it's almost ridiculous to read - I can hardly believe its true! He always expected the Lord to show up and do amazing things - and God did. I have never seen faith like this - I have never known anyone that has lived this kind of poured out life.
It makes me want to pray a lot more. It makes me want to give up more of my crap and be free from it. It makes me want to sacrifice time, food, pleasure - all of those things to see more of the Lord. It makes me want to have more faith - so God can do even more amazing things through me.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
give what you have
Here is a letter I wrote to a friend recently about my current state in my prayer life - I feel like it sums up where my head has been...
"I know what it is like to constantly be going back and forth, back and forth with the Lord. One day I am full of faith, the next i am full of doubt and I question God, His ways, and His love. It is very frustrating!
Lately, I have been praying for more faith, patience, and a steadfast spirit that will wait on Him in faith, not doubt, and remain constant in my belief and my action toward Him and others. All of my prayers lately on my own have felt very fruitless and chaotic - it is only when I have prayed together in my prayer group - or minutes before as I am preparing for the group that I can feel His presence and His words for me. I am not sure why that is, but I guess i should be grateful i am hearing Him at all.
These times of fog and waiting must be something the Lord wants for us - though I do not know the entire purpose - they must be here to grow our faith and faithfulness to Him. I don't like it, but I feel like I need to stop fighting it and instead submit to it... after all it seems to be what He desires for now. That is not to say i can't ask for His presence - or ask for Him to reveal any sin that may be blocking our fellowship ... but also to be happy and content to wait.
Last week before my prayer night i felt the Lord rebuke me for wanting to take from Him always - have more understanding, more power, more presence, more glory... do i want the glory for Him or myself? Why do I want to take so much - to fill myself up and make myself content - regardless of God and His glory? These are questions that need reflecting on... How and what do I have to give to the Lord except my mess and meager attempts to worship - and even that seems like it is born out of His grace ... in the end I just need to put myself at His mercy and wait."
Soon after this I was reading in Luke and was reading a familiar story that suddenly became wildly fresh to me:
One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so Jesus went to his home and sat down to eat. When a certain immoral woman from that city heard he was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She’s a sinner!”
Then Jesus answered his thoughts. “Simon,” he said to the Pharisee, “I have something to say to you.”
“Go ahead, Teacher,” Simon replied.
Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—500 pieces of silver[i] to one and 50 pieces to the other. But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?”
Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.”
“That’s right,” Jesus said. Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.
“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.”
The men at the table said among themselves, “Who is this man, that he goes around forgiving sins?”
And Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
When the Lord rebuked me for wanting to take take take - I instantly knew He was right and though I know its true... I often do not know how to praise Him - what to give back. My words are lame and my thoughts scattered. As I read this - I knew the Lord was saying to me - give what you can! If you only have lame words - give those. If you only have tears - give those. If you only have confused and scattered thoughts - give those. This woman gave what she could - she had some perfume - a precious gift ... but also she gave tears, kisses, and a sacrifice of pride. She was willing to walk into a room filled with men who I bet she knew despised her and worship Jesus. She chose to look foolish before men - to be near her Lord. She chose to pour herself out in one of the most beautiful displays of worship ever recorded. She chose to be 'naked' and unashamed before Jesus. She just had to be near Him.
"I know what it is like to constantly be going back and forth, back and forth with the Lord. One day I am full of faith, the next i am full of doubt and I question God, His ways, and His love. It is very frustrating!
Lately, I have been praying for more faith, patience, and a steadfast spirit that will wait on Him in faith, not doubt, and remain constant in my belief and my action toward Him and others. All of my prayers lately on my own have felt very fruitless and chaotic - it is only when I have prayed together in my prayer group - or minutes before as I am preparing for the group that I can feel His presence and His words for me. I am not sure why that is, but I guess i should be grateful i am hearing Him at all.
These times of fog and waiting must be something the Lord wants for us - though I do not know the entire purpose - they must be here to grow our faith and faithfulness to Him. I don't like it, but I feel like I need to stop fighting it and instead submit to it... after all it seems to be what He desires for now. That is not to say i can't ask for His presence - or ask for Him to reveal any sin that may be blocking our fellowship ... but also to be happy and content to wait.
Last week before my prayer night i felt the Lord rebuke me for wanting to take from Him always - have more understanding, more power, more presence, more glory... do i want the glory for Him or myself? Why do I want to take so much - to fill myself up and make myself content - regardless of God and His glory? These are questions that need reflecting on... How and what do I have to give to the Lord except my mess and meager attempts to worship - and even that seems like it is born out of His grace ... in the end I just need to put myself at His mercy and wait."
Soon after this I was reading in Luke and was reading a familiar story that suddenly became wildly fresh to me:
One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so Jesus went to his home and sat down to eat. When a certain immoral woman from that city heard he was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She’s a sinner!”
Then Jesus answered his thoughts. “Simon,” he said to the Pharisee, “I have something to say to you.”
“Go ahead, Teacher,” Simon replied.
Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—500 pieces of silver[i] to one and 50 pieces to the other. But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?”
Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.”
“That’s right,” Jesus said. Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume.
“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.”
The men at the table said among themselves, “Who is this man, that he goes around forgiving sins?”
And Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”
When the Lord rebuked me for wanting to take take take - I instantly knew He was right and though I know its true... I often do not know how to praise Him - what to give back. My words are lame and my thoughts scattered. As I read this - I knew the Lord was saying to me - give what you can! If you only have lame words - give those. If you only have tears - give those. If you only have confused and scattered thoughts - give those. This woman gave what she could - she had some perfume - a precious gift ... but also she gave tears, kisses, and a sacrifice of pride. She was willing to walk into a room filled with men who I bet she knew despised her and worship Jesus. She chose to look foolish before men - to be near her Lord. She chose to pour herself out in one of the most beautiful displays of worship ever recorded. She chose to be 'naked' and unashamed before Jesus. She just had to be near Him.
your faith has made you well
I am not sure where to begin. Life has been so ridiculous - so busy. I feel like this is the first moment that I can truly breathe. I have wanted to do some writing but have had not a free moment in the last couple of weeks. I have completed the prayer study I was leading at church, and finished an art project that was hanging over me, and my basement is at least at a place of toleration for the moment - and all of those things were just the most pressing - I still have piles of laundry backed up among many other household things that have been on hold... but that can all wait another day.
I guess the most pressing thing I have on my mind is this verse... Matthew 13: 53 - 58
When Jesus had finished telling these stories and illustrations, he left that part of the country. He returned to Nazareth, his hometown. When he taught there in the synagogue, everyone was amazed and said, "Where does he get this wisdom and the power to do miracles?" Then they scoffed, "He's just the carpenter's son, and we know Mary, his mother, and his brothers—James, Joseph, Simon, and Judas. All his sisters live right here among us. Where did he learn all these things?" And they were deeply offended and refused to believe in him.
Then Jesus told them, "A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family." And so he did only a few miracles there because of their unbelief.
What does that mean? Here are a bunch of other verses that talk about faith and healing/miracles.
18 Has no one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?” 19 And Jesus said to the man, “Stand up and go. Your faith has healed you.”
22 Jesus turned around, and when he saw her he said, “Daughter, be encouraged! Your faith has made you well.” And the woman was healed at that moment.
42 And Jesus said, “All right, receive your sight! Your faith has healed you.”
28 They went right into the house where he was staying, and Jesus asked them, “Do you believe I can make you see?”
“Yes, Lord,” they told him, “we do.”
29 Then he touched their eyes and said, “Because of your faith, it will happen.”
13 Then Jesus said to the Roman officer, “Go back home. Because you believed, it has happened.” And the young servant was healed that same hour.
28 “Dear woman,” Jesus said to her, “your faith is great. Your request is granted.” And her daughter was instantly healed.
50 But when Jesus heard what had happened, he said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid. Just have faith, and she will be healed.”
I have read a book by Dutch Sheets, called Intercessory Prayer... its a good book... but I must say since writing it several years ago he seems to have fallen off the deep end and has been puffed up in the knowledge and gifts that God has given him. But that all aside for this one moment... in a couple of chapters he contends that God has set up the earth in such a way that He releases His power through us. That He might not work in some situations because there is not enough prayer or faith surrounding the situation. Because He has made us His representatives here and therefore desires to work and extend his power through us. He writes a more compelling argument than I have time to get into now - but I think I have the basic gist.
So as I have been reflecting on that - all of the verses that I listed above started popping into my head. I glazed past them for many years now - they are not something I have pondered much - or if discussing them in the past - they have been explained away with less than compelling answers. Now as I read them I am wondering... why didn't Jesus say things like "God's power has made you well", or "The power of God has been displayed in your midst" or something like that. No he put the ball in our court - saying that their faith in Him is what made them well ... but this seems to fly in the face of all the 'God is sovereign' arguments - that we play no part in salvation or sanctification. (before any reader gets too worried - I still believe God is sovereign!) I am just thinking out loud and wondering what it all means... and praying through it.
I have been wondering why in none of the churches I have ever attended have I seen a miracle - or really heard of any? Why have I seen so little power in people's lives to overcome sin? Why do so few people hear from the Lord? Why so few people get saved in our midst? Why is there so little true repentance when confronted with sin? Is there a spiritual oppression over the northeast? Are we steeped in fear? Are these kinds of things just not welcomed into non-charismatic environments? Or is our faith too small?
Where is God's power?
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
- 2 Tim: 1:7
I guess the most pressing thing I have on my mind is this verse... Matthew 13: 53 - 58
When Jesus had finished telling these stories and illustrations, he left that part of the country. He returned to Nazareth, his hometown. When he taught there in the synagogue, everyone was amazed and said, "Where does he get this wisdom and the power to do miracles?" Then they scoffed, "He's just the carpenter's son, and we know Mary, his mother, and his brothers—James, Joseph, Simon, and Judas. All his sisters live right here among us. Where did he learn all these things?" And they were deeply offended and refused to believe in him.
Then Jesus told them, "A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family." And so he did only a few miracles there because of their unbelief.
What does that mean? Here are a bunch of other verses that talk about faith and healing/miracles.
18 Has no one returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?” 19 And Jesus said to the man, “Stand up and go. Your faith has healed you.”
22 Jesus turned around, and when he saw her he said, “Daughter, be encouraged! Your faith has made you well.” And the woman was healed at that moment.
42 And Jesus said, “All right, receive your sight! Your faith has healed you.”
28 They went right into the house where he was staying, and Jesus asked them, “Do you believe I can make you see?”
“Yes, Lord,” they told him, “we do.”
29 Then he touched their eyes and said, “Because of your faith, it will happen.”
13 Then Jesus said to the Roman officer, “Go back home. Because you believed, it has happened.” And the young servant was healed that same hour.
28 “Dear woman,” Jesus said to her, “your faith is great. Your request is granted.” And her daughter was instantly healed.
50 But when Jesus heard what had happened, he said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid. Just have faith, and she will be healed.”
I have read a book by Dutch Sheets, called Intercessory Prayer... its a good book... but I must say since writing it several years ago he seems to have fallen off the deep end and has been puffed up in the knowledge and gifts that God has given him. But that all aside for this one moment... in a couple of chapters he contends that God has set up the earth in such a way that He releases His power through us. That He might not work in some situations because there is not enough prayer or faith surrounding the situation. Because He has made us His representatives here and therefore desires to work and extend his power through us. He writes a more compelling argument than I have time to get into now - but I think I have the basic gist.
So as I have been reflecting on that - all of the verses that I listed above started popping into my head. I glazed past them for many years now - they are not something I have pondered much - or if discussing them in the past - they have been explained away with less than compelling answers. Now as I read them I am wondering... why didn't Jesus say things like "God's power has made you well", or "The power of God has been displayed in your midst" or something like that. No he put the ball in our court - saying that their faith in Him is what made them well ... but this seems to fly in the face of all the 'God is sovereign' arguments - that we play no part in salvation or sanctification. (before any reader gets too worried - I still believe God is sovereign!) I am just thinking out loud and wondering what it all means... and praying through it.
I have been wondering why in none of the churches I have ever attended have I seen a miracle - or really heard of any? Why have I seen so little power in people's lives to overcome sin? Why do so few people hear from the Lord? Why so few people get saved in our midst? Why is there so little true repentance when confronted with sin? Is there a spiritual oppression over the northeast? Are we steeped in fear? Are these kinds of things just not welcomed into non-charismatic environments? Or is our faith too small?
Where is God's power?
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
- 2 Tim: 1:7
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
collective
Since the week I studied, The Prayer of Examen and The Prayer of Tears, from the prayer study I am running - the Lord has impressed upon me the desire to confess sin for my community.
From Foster's book, Prayer:
"What is the Prayer of Tears? It is being cut to the heart over our distance and offense to the goodness of God (acts 2:37). It is weeping over our sins and the sins of the world. It is entering into the liberating shocks of repentance. It is the intimate and ultimate awareness that sin cuts us off from the fullness of God's presence."
I read this and the Lord took my mind to Nehemiah 1, and Daniel 9, and Isaiah 6. When Isaiah stands before the Lord and sees His glory, He cries out "I am a man of unclean lips and I come from a people of unclean lips." He knew that he was contaminated not only by his own sin but also the sin of his people.
In Nehemiah, when he hears of the conditions in Jerusalem it says "I sat down and wept. In fact for days I mourned, fasted, and prayed to the God of heaven.... Listen to my prayer! Look down and see me praying night and day for Your people Israel. I confess that we have sinned against you. Yes, even my own family and I have sinned!" He put his whole guts - everything into mourning for His people - and included himself into the whole collective sin.
In Daniel 9, here is a portion of his prayer:
So I turned to the Lord God and pleaded with him in prayer and fasting. I also wore rough burlap and sprinkled myself with ashes.
I prayed to the LORD my God and confessed:
"O Lord, you are a great and awesome God! You always fulfill your covenant and keep your promises of unfailing love to those who love you and obey your commands. But we have sinned and done wrong. We have rebelled against you and scorned your commands and regulations. We have refused to listen to your servants the prophets, who spoke on your authority to our kings and princes and ancestors and to all the people of the land.
"Lord, you are in the right; but as you see, our faces are covered with shame. This is true of all of us, including the people of Judah and Jerusalem and all Israel, scattered near and far, wherever you have driven us because of our disloyalty to you. O LORD, we and our kings, princes, and ancestors are covered with shame because we have sinned against you. But the Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him. We have not obeyed the LORD our God, for we have not followed the instructions he gave us through his servants the prophets. All Israel has disobeyed your instruction and turned away, refusing to listen to your voice.
I am amazed by this - I think because of our overly individualistic society - I would never own anyone else's sin except my own - and maybe to a small degree my children (mostly because I see a reflection of my sin nature in them). How do I gain this much compassion for my people? And who are my people? My family? My church? My community? My country?
Yes - I think is the appropriate response to all of my questions of 'who are my people' - they all are my people. In all of this the Lord began directing me to pray for my church family. Confessing our sin - confessing our need for Him. Confessing our sin of mixing the Lord in with our own worldly pursuits, not loving Him with our whole hearts, not being open to His calling out to us, the sin of unbelief, and our pride to do things on our own.
I feel like this is just the beginning of some serious intercession on my church's behalf.
From Foster's book, Prayer:
"What is the Prayer of Tears? It is being cut to the heart over our distance and offense to the goodness of God (acts 2:37). It is weeping over our sins and the sins of the world. It is entering into the liberating shocks of repentance. It is the intimate and ultimate awareness that sin cuts us off from the fullness of God's presence."
I read this and the Lord took my mind to Nehemiah 1, and Daniel 9, and Isaiah 6. When Isaiah stands before the Lord and sees His glory, He cries out "I am a man of unclean lips and I come from a people of unclean lips." He knew that he was contaminated not only by his own sin but also the sin of his people.
In Nehemiah, when he hears of the conditions in Jerusalem it says "I sat down and wept. In fact for days I mourned, fasted, and prayed to the God of heaven.... Listen to my prayer! Look down and see me praying night and day for Your people Israel. I confess that we have sinned against you. Yes, even my own family and I have sinned!" He put his whole guts - everything into mourning for His people - and included himself into the whole collective sin.
In Daniel 9, here is a portion of his prayer:
So I turned to the Lord God and pleaded with him in prayer and fasting. I also wore rough burlap and sprinkled myself with ashes.
I prayed to the LORD my God and confessed:
"O Lord, you are a great and awesome God! You always fulfill your covenant and keep your promises of unfailing love to those who love you and obey your commands. But we have sinned and done wrong. We have rebelled against you and scorned your commands and regulations. We have refused to listen to your servants the prophets, who spoke on your authority to our kings and princes and ancestors and to all the people of the land.
"Lord, you are in the right; but as you see, our faces are covered with shame. This is true of all of us, including the people of Judah and Jerusalem and all Israel, scattered near and far, wherever you have driven us because of our disloyalty to you. O LORD, we and our kings, princes, and ancestors are covered with shame because we have sinned against you. But the Lord our God is merciful and forgiving, even though we have rebelled against him. We have not obeyed the LORD our God, for we have not followed the instructions he gave us through his servants the prophets. All Israel has disobeyed your instruction and turned away, refusing to listen to your voice.
I am amazed by this - I think because of our overly individualistic society - I would never own anyone else's sin except my own - and maybe to a small degree my children (mostly because I see a reflection of my sin nature in them). How do I gain this much compassion for my people? And who are my people? My family? My church? My community? My country?
Yes - I think is the appropriate response to all of my questions of 'who are my people' - they all are my people. In all of this the Lord began directing me to pray for my church family. Confessing our sin - confessing our need for Him. Confessing our sin of mixing the Lord in with our own worldly pursuits, not loving Him with our whole hearts, not being open to His calling out to us, the sin of unbelief, and our pride to do things on our own.
I feel like this is just the beginning of some serious intercession on my church's behalf.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
helper
I am supposed to be writing a praise psalm for the prayer study I am leading. It is not working out so well for me. Hence the previous entry. I felt like I needed to get that stuff out if there was going to be any room in me for praise. It seems like lately those thoughts are all that is in me. Everything is foggy and confusing and clogged. I am trying to wait on the Lord, but I am not good at waiting.
When I try to think of things that are praise worthy - I know them to be true - but they don't make my heart beat faster right now - they are just words. I hate it when the Word falls flat in me - it doesn't feel like me... and I suppose it's not the real me. It makes me think of that line in a hymn - 'my heart is tuned to sing Your praise.' Except that the reverse feels true of me.
These are the thoughts I have so far - that I know to be true:
You are the Creator.
You are faithful.
You are higher and Your ways are higher.
That was yesterday -
Today the Lord was my helper. Last night I had a dream about snakes in my house, crawling behind my bed. I woke up and felt the Lord telling me that there was evil present in our home. I also woke up with my current neck/back pain even worse than it was the night before. As I began to pray I rebuked the evil in my room, I confessed my sin and the sins of my community, and prayed for healing. I believe the Lord answered all three of those prayers. I felt His presence - a warmth as He healed me - not all the way - but drastically better! And I felt as though He was really glad of my repentance. That He has been waiting for me to know I needed not only to repent for my own sins but for my church as well. Almost like He has been calling me to do it but I didn't understand. Perhaps some of the burden I have been feeling was not my own? I don't know its something to pray about more...
But finally my praise has come out as well - I felt light and fresh as I wrote this - I am not a great writer but I think the Lord is pleased!:
Awaken my heart to praise You, Father.
Blow through me Spirit, and breathe out words of praise for You.
You are the Creator, high and mighty above all things.
You spread out the heavens like a blanket at Your feet.
The sun is only a small reflection of Your glory,
the stars and moon only a reminder of Your radiance.
When I stop and I am quiet, I can see the beauty of Your hand at work around me.
I catch a glimpse of Your power in the wind, and Your loving embrace in the heat of the sun.
Lord God, How can Your name not be known in all the earth!?
You are weaving together all of time and fit each piece perfectly with the next.
Your thoughts are so far above me, so beyond me.
And yet You take time for me, and my small concerns.
Your care is amazing!
The colors, and light and the movement of the trees, sing a song out to You.
They speak of Your imagination, attention to detail, and Your gentleness.
Let me sing out with them Lord, teach my heart to praise You!
Let my whole soul burst out in joy!
When I try to think of things that are praise worthy - I know them to be true - but they don't make my heart beat faster right now - they are just words. I hate it when the Word falls flat in me - it doesn't feel like me... and I suppose it's not the real me. It makes me think of that line in a hymn - 'my heart is tuned to sing Your praise.' Except that the reverse feels true of me.
These are the thoughts I have so far - that I know to be true:
You are the Creator.
You are faithful.
You are higher and Your ways are higher.
That was yesterday -
Today the Lord was my helper. Last night I had a dream about snakes in my house, crawling behind my bed. I woke up and felt the Lord telling me that there was evil present in our home. I also woke up with my current neck/back pain even worse than it was the night before. As I began to pray I rebuked the evil in my room, I confessed my sin and the sins of my community, and prayed for healing. I believe the Lord answered all three of those prayers. I felt His presence - a warmth as He healed me - not all the way - but drastically better! And I felt as though He was really glad of my repentance. That He has been waiting for me to know I needed not only to repent for my own sins but for my church as well. Almost like He has been calling me to do it but I didn't understand. Perhaps some of the burden I have been feeling was not my own? I don't know its something to pray about more...
But finally my praise has come out as well - I felt light and fresh as I wrote this - I am not a great writer but I think the Lord is pleased!:
Awaken my heart to praise You, Father.
Blow through me Spirit, and breathe out words of praise for You.
You are the Creator, high and mighty above all things.
You spread out the heavens like a blanket at Your feet.
The sun is only a small reflection of Your glory,
the stars and moon only a reminder of Your radiance.
When I stop and I am quiet, I can see the beauty of Your hand at work around me.
I catch a glimpse of Your power in the wind, and Your loving embrace in the heat of the sun.
Lord God, How can Your name not be known in all the earth!?
You are weaving together all of time and fit each piece perfectly with the next.
Your thoughts are so far above me, so beyond me.
And yet You take time for me, and my small concerns.
Your care is amazing!
The colors, and light and the movement of the trees, sing a song out to You.
They speak of Your imagination, attention to detail, and Your gentleness.
Let me sing out with them Lord, teach my heart to praise You!
Let my whole soul burst out in joy!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
teach me
I am trying to praise you. The words do not come to me.
I want more than anything to praise you and have the words just flow out of me like breath.
I have been trapped in a fog and each way I turn it seems to get worse.
I want my faith to grow. I want to believe and not doubt.
I want to know you are near even when I can't feel Your presence.
I want to believe that You are good even when my heart feels terrible.
Where does the praise come from - if not from me?
The whole earth will sing Your praise - help my heart to join in!
Then the stones can stay silent - they won't be needed.
I stand at the edge of the cliff crying out to You. You do not come.
I am awful at waiting. But I know I should wait.
You are the only One with eternal words - no one else speaks life.
There is a darkness. And I can not see.
You give light for only a step at a time.
Help me to be content with even the smallest spark.
Your voice is unclear as if I am hearing you through a great distance.
Oh, how I wish I could hear You clearly.
I pray I may know Your voice better than my own.
I desire my whole life to bring You praise.
My every thought, my every word, my every movement.
Teach me to praise You, even when the words do not come on my own.
I want more than anything to praise you and have the words just flow out of me like breath.
I have been trapped in a fog and each way I turn it seems to get worse.
I want my faith to grow. I want to believe and not doubt.
I want to know you are near even when I can't feel Your presence.
I want to believe that You are good even when my heart feels terrible.
Where does the praise come from - if not from me?
The whole earth will sing Your praise - help my heart to join in!
Then the stones can stay silent - they won't be needed.
I stand at the edge of the cliff crying out to You. You do not come.
I am awful at waiting. But I know I should wait.
You are the only One with eternal words - no one else speaks life.
There is a darkness. And I can not see.
You give light for only a step at a time.
Help me to be content with even the smallest spark.
Your voice is unclear as if I am hearing you through a great distance.
Oh, how I wish I could hear You clearly.
I pray I may know Your voice better than my own.
I desire my whole life to bring You praise.
My every thought, my every word, my every movement.
Teach me to praise You, even when the words do not come on my own.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
prepared?
I have been preparing for a study on prayer each week for the last 2 weeks and it will continue for 3 more. This last week as I prepared and studied it was so difficult. It was hard to sit still - though I kept trying. It was hard to put thoughts together - though I kept trying. Because when you are preparing to lead something - you actually want to be prepared! Finally, I gave up ... and went that night to the study praying for God to speak and work through me - regardless of all my efforts - or lack of. And that finally felt like the right thing to do. As I began leading - I had no idea what to say or where to start... I had someone else pray to open things up and then looked down and asked the broadest question about the chapter I could come up with!... 'So what did you learn?...' And God showed up and was present and filled me with thoughts and words and our time together was amazing - at least I thought so!
So I am continually confused by your ways, Lord. It seems to me you wanted me to just trust that you would provide - but how was I to know that? Why do you always have to be so mysterious? Why can't you just plainly put things? I want to listen and I want to keep putting myself before you - I want to learn to hear your voice better than my own - please teach me - because clearly I am missing something.
So I am continually confused by your ways, Lord. It seems to me you wanted me to just trust that you would provide - but how was I to know that? Why do you always have to be so mysterious? Why can't you just plainly put things? I want to listen and I want to keep putting myself before you - I want to learn to hear your voice better than my own - please teach me - because clearly I am missing something.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Jesus
I am struggling this morning. Prayer time was awful - no - worse than awful. I couldn't put 2 coherent thoughts together. I ended just saying Jesus' name over and over for an hour. Begging for clarity, begging for help.
I just read over the last couple of entries in my blog and am in awe that God has brought some clarity and direction in the last couple of months and that He allowed me to actually hear it. The rest of the time I feel like I am floundering around in the dark trying to find a door out of the darkness and into light.
Why do I ache so much? What is it? What is it for? What are you trying to teach me? And if that is where I can find You - how can I stay open to so much pain?
This verse kept coming to mind... I will meditate on it.
Luke 22: 39- 46
Then, accompanied by the disciples, Jesus left the upstairs room and went as usual to the Mount of Olives. There he told them, "Pray that you will not give in to temptation."
He walked away, about a stone's throw, and knelt down and prayed, "Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him. He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood.
At last he stood up again and returned to the disciples, only to find them asleep, exhausted from grief. "Why are you sleeping?" he asked them. "Get up and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation."
I just read over the last couple of entries in my blog and am in awe that God has brought some clarity and direction in the last couple of months and that He allowed me to actually hear it. The rest of the time I feel like I am floundering around in the dark trying to find a door out of the darkness and into light.
Why do I ache so much? What is it? What is it for? What are you trying to teach me? And if that is where I can find You - how can I stay open to so much pain?
This verse kept coming to mind... I will meditate on it.
Luke 22: 39- 46
Then, accompanied by the disciples, Jesus left the upstairs room and went as usual to the Mount of Olives. There he told them, "Pray that you will not give in to temptation."
He walked away, about a stone's throw, and knelt down and prayed, "Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him. He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood.
At last he stood up again and returned to the disciples, only to find them asleep, exhausted from grief. "Why are you sleeping?" he asked them. "Get up and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation."
Saturday, October 8, 2011
helpless
I have been thinking about prayer a lot lately. I am leading a study on it at church. The thinking about prayer is way better than the leading I would have to say - I much prefer one on one to large groups. But alas I am trying to go where the Lord leads... and at the very least I will learn some humility in the leading. Ugg - lots of people make me nervous.
Anyway - back to the thoughts... The first study was on simple prayer - or child like prayer. Where you toss aside all your masks, your thoughts about how it should or should not be done - and essentially just start asking God for any and everything that comes to mind - like a child does. Don't worry about motives, don't worry about the right words, don't worry about the right things - just ask.
It has been so refreshing. I thought I was being honest with God before - and I think I was to a point... but there were things I held back from God - didn't bother to pray for - because I thought 'why bother Him - I can take care of that.' Well - good heavens! - I am not supposed to take care of anything without the Lord's help. I am supposed to be totally helpless and weak before Him - so that He can make me strong in Him. So that His light is the one that shines through - not mine - I have no light to offer except that which is reflected.
Learning again about my helplessness is freeing. Now all that is expected - though it always was - but now I am more aware... is for me to rest in faith for the Lord to do His work in me. Listen and try to follow. I have to put everything at the foot of the cross - dump all my crap there and let Him make sense of it. He can and does care about all of it. Unlike I, when my kids ask a thousand times for something - I get irritated and angry, but the Lord wants us to come near, wants us to know just how much we need Him in all the minutia of life.
So I have started asking for a lot more ... and just maybe I will get it if I keep asking!
Matthew 6: 7-11
Anyway - back to the thoughts... The first study was on simple prayer - or child like prayer. Where you toss aside all your masks, your thoughts about how it should or should not be done - and essentially just start asking God for any and everything that comes to mind - like a child does. Don't worry about motives, don't worry about the right words, don't worry about the right things - just ask.
It has been so refreshing. I thought I was being honest with God before - and I think I was to a point... but there were things I held back from God - didn't bother to pray for - because I thought 'why bother Him - I can take care of that.' Well - good heavens! - I am not supposed to take care of anything without the Lord's help. I am supposed to be totally helpless and weak before Him - so that He can make me strong in Him. So that His light is the one that shines through - not mine - I have no light to offer except that which is reflected.
Learning again about my helplessness is freeing. Now all that is expected - though it always was - but now I am more aware... is for me to rest in faith for the Lord to do His work in me. Listen and try to follow. I have to put everything at the foot of the cross - dump all my crap there and let Him make sense of it. He can and does care about all of it. Unlike I, when my kids ask a thousand times for something - I get irritated and angry, but the Lord wants us to come near, wants us to know just how much we need Him in all the minutia of life.
So I have started asking for a lot more ... and just maybe I will get it if I keep asking!
Matthew 6: 7-11
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
wondering
I have been thinking a lot about heaven and sharing the sufferings of Christ.
I don't live like I am going someplace amazing to be with Jesus when this life is all over. I live like this is it. All my time and energy are focused on making me happy. I don't even think about heaven that much. And I think it's supposed to motivate me and all believers. All the people in Hebrews chapter 11 - lived for a promise that most never got to see. Abraham and Sarah didn't see a nation with more descendants than the stars - they had one son. Yet he trusted God's promise enough to even kill his son - believing that God would resurrect him. Moses took all those whining horrible people away from slavery and to the Promised Land but never got to step foot in it. 'They placed their hope in the resurrection to a better life' it says in Heb 11:35. They had some of God's promise but not the fullness.
All these people earned a good reputation because of their faith, yet none of them received all that God had promised. For God had something better in mind for us, so that they would not reach perfection without us.
Hebrews 11:39-40
What would I be like, and what could I do for Jesus and His kingdom if I counted all things as loss in light of knowing Him? If I was willing to suffer anything to see God's Kingdom come?
I can't imagine a life like that yet...but He has me wondering...
I don't live like I am going someplace amazing to be with Jesus when this life is all over. I live like this is it. All my time and energy are focused on making me happy. I don't even think about heaven that much. And I think it's supposed to motivate me and all believers. All the people in Hebrews chapter 11 - lived for a promise that most never got to see. Abraham and Sarah didn't see a nation with more descendants than the stars - they had one son. Yet he trusted God's promise enough to even kill his son - believing that God would resurrect him. Moses took all those whining horrible people away from slavery and to the Promised Land but never got to step foot in it. 'They placed their hope in the resurrection to a better life' it says in Heb 11:35. They had some of God's promise but not the fullness.
All these people earned a good reputation because of their faith, yet none of them received all that God had promised. For God had something better in mind for us, so that they would not reach perfection without us.
Hebrews 11:39-40
What would I be like, and what could I do for Jesus and His kingdom if I counted all things as loss in light of knowing Him? If I was willing to suffer anything to see God's Kingdom come?
I can't imagine a life like that yet...but He has me wondering...
need
I was talking with a friend today who struggles with depression. I struggle with it too but on a much smaller scale now than I used to. She was frozen in fear. She had taken her eyes off the Lord and had them trained on her fear. She was focused on how things used to be - when she was stuck in depression - and not wanting to go back there. I know what that is like. I struggle with the same kind of thing - having my eyes focused on the thing I fear rather than the One who has overcome it.
But I am also afraid of what the Lord will do and how He will direct -will it be hard? Will I have to give something up? Will I have to work at it? I am also afraid of those new and hard things because I am trying desperately to hang onto what I think is good and good for me.... Perhaps God has something even better up ahead - If I can just trust Him for a minute.
As I was praying this morning - I felt connected. I felt focused because I was asking the Lord what He wanted. He said He wanted me to recognize my need for Him. I needed to turn my eyes to Him and know that I can't do anything of worth without Him. I told my friend that she needed to fight to put herself before the Lord, and believe that He is in the middle of even the darkest places inside of us waiting for us to admit our need, and ask for help. And to believe that He loves us enough to help.
Pslam 139 - Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to heaven you are there...if I make my bed in the depths You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn or settle on the far side of the sea - even there Your hand will guide me - Your right hand will hold me fast. Even in the darkness I cannot hide from You - because darkness is like light to You - to You the night shines as bright as day.
But I am also afraid of what the Lord will do and how He will direct -will it be hard? Will I have to give something up? Will I have to work at it? I am also afraid of those new and hard things because I am trying desperately to hang onto what I think is good and good for me.... Perhaps God has something even better up ahead - If I can just trust Him for a minute.
As I was praying this morning - I felt connected. I felt focused because I was asking the Lord what He wanted. He said He wanted me to recognize my need for Him. I needed to turn my eyes to Him and know that I can't do anything of worth without Him. I told my friend that she needed to fight to put herself before the Lord, and believe that He is in the middle of even the darkest places inside of us waiting for us to admit our need, and ask for help. And to believe that He loves us enough to help.
Pslam 139 - Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to heaven you are there...if I make my bed in the depths You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn or settle on the far side of the sea - even there Your hand will guide me - Your right hand will hold me fast. Even in the darkness I cannot hide from You - because darkness is like light to You - to You the night shines as bright as day.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
pain free
It's amazing to me how much we (as in all people - perhaps mostly Americans I am not entirely sure) want to run away from the things that are hard, difficult, simply don't like, or are painful. I mean I will do almost anything to avoid things I don't like. And my kids will run from me if I have to perform any procedure whether it be for their good or not. My daughter and eye drops comes to mind - my husband has to pin her to the floor so I can put one tiny drop in each eye and you would think the world is ending. But I am no different. I am running kicking and screaming from all sorts of things the Lord wants of me. I do not want to give up my addiction to food - I still want to be able to comfort myself with just the right flavor when I want to. I still want to drown out all thought in front of the TV when I am having a bad day. And if I am doing well in avoiding those areas - then I will be really spiritual and find a novel to get lost in (reading is at least a good thing). Why is running to the Lord my last choice always? Why at times does He seem so uncomforting?
I know one thing right off the top - its the timing. He doesn't always fix it now. I know I have droned on about that subject before. Another is that I might have to work at something - I might have to go hunting in scripture or talk with someone - that ties into the 'wanting it now' factor somewhat too. Another thing - I may get confronted with sin - the last thing I want when seeking comfort. The basic gist is then (in my mind )that God somehow equals more pain ...or... I don't understand at all what comfort is...I am fully ready to admit that the latter is quite possibly true.
The other thing I have been thinking is that perhaps life here in time and on earth are not supposed to be pain free. That pain is here to teach us if we will listen. That I will be able to understand the sufferings of Christ if I am willing to enter in - and that is what life is for. How else will we be able to count any trial as joy and appear different to the world if we are not handling our pain and suffering with an openness like Job. Faith would be easy without pain and longing and blindness.
I must confess I wouldn't mind if it were easier. But if I want more of Jesus - then I must be ready to accept all His gifts with all His discipline and trials too.
Which puts me right back to praying for more faith.
I know one thing right off the top - its the timing. He doesn't always fix it now. I know I have droned on about that subject before. Another is that I might have to work at something - I might have to go hunting in scripture or talk with someone - that ties into the 'wanting it now' factor somewhat too. Another thing - I may get confronted with sin - the last thing I want when seeking comfort. The basic gist is then (in my mind )that God somehow equals more pain ...or... I don't understand at all what comfort is...I am fully ready to admit that the latter is quite possibly true.
The other thing I have been thinking is that perhaps life here in time and on earth are not supposed to be pain free. That pain is here to teach us if we will listen. That I will be able to understand the sufferings of Christ if I am willing to enter in - and that is what life is for. How else will we be able to count any trial as joy and appear different to the world if we are not handling our pain and suffering with an openness like Job. Faith would be easy without pain and longing and blindness.
I must confess I wouldn't mind if it were easier. But if I want more of Jesus - then I must be ready to accept all His gifts with all His discipline and trials too.
Which puts me right back to praying for more faith.
Friday, September 23, 2011
verses
I have had a ton of verses rolling around in my head the past few days - I am wondering how they all fit together and what the Lord is telling me.
James 1:2-4
Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.
Job 2:10b
Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?
2Peter 3:14b
While you are waiting for things to happen, make every effort to live a pure and blameless life. And be at peace with God.
Proverbs 16:9, 20:24
We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.
How can we understand the road we travel? It is the Lord who directs our steps.
Hebrews 11:6
Anyone who wants to come to Him must believe that there is a God and that he rewards those who sincerely seek Him.
John 6:26-29
...spend your energy seeking the eternal life that I, the Son of Man, can give you...'What does God want us to do?' Jesus - 'Believe in the One He has sent'.
Hebrews 4:2-11
...for only those who believe can enter His place of rest...for all who enter God's rest will find rest from their labors...let us do our best to enter that place of rest. For anyone who disobeys God...will fall.
These are just a few of the verses - there are so many more. But here is what I have so far - its not rocket science - its all stuff I know - but its always good to be reminded in the midst of tough things. It's not even that circumstances are that rough - they are difficult, but it's more twisted up on my inside.
Accept the trial - welcome it from the Lord. Wait on the Lord to direct but while you wait do what what you already know is right and good. Keep seeking, keep pressing in - there are good things ahead. Let your faith grow, stay open and rest will come.
I think I am going to study God's faithfulness and practice being thankful.
James 1:2-4
Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything.
Job 2:10b
Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?
2Peter 3:14b
While you are waiting for things to happen, make every effort to live a pure and blameless life. And be at peace with God.
Proverbs 16:9, 20:24
We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.
How can we understand the road we travel? It is the Lord who directs our steps.
Hebrews 11:6
Anyone who wants to come to Him must believe that there is a God and that he rewards those who sincerely seek Him.
John 6:26-29
...spend your energy seeking the eternal life that I, the Son of Man, can give you...'What does God want us to do?' Jesus - 'Believe in the One He has sent'.
Hebrews 4:2-11
...for only those who believe can enter His place of rest...for all who enter God's rest will find rest from their labors...let us do our best to enter that place of rest. For anyone who disobeys God...will fall.
These are just a few of the verses - there are so many more. But here is what I have so far - its not rocket science - its all stuff I know - but its always good to be reminded in the midst of tough things. It's not even that circumstances are that rough - they are difficult, but it's more twisted up on my inside.
Accept the trial - welcome it from the Lord. Wait on the Lord to direct but while you wait do what what you already know is right and good. Keep seeking, keep pressing in - there are good things ahead. Let your faith grow, stay open and rest will come.
I think I am going to study God's faithfulness and practice being thankful.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
always
I am struggling today. PMS is definitely a factor. I realized today that when I am deep in the throws of PMS my introversion becomes more pronounced and I want even more quiet, even more escape, less talking, less touch, less people. That is hard to get when you have a family who needs you.
Today I screwed up many things. I got the time wrong for an appointment with a friend - and missed seeing her. Got lost leaving her place to run errands. Then the errands went poorly. Arrived home starving and to a house that looks like a bomb hit it. There is dirt and mud everywhere. Noise from hammers, jack hammers, a radio, a backhoe and 3 men attempting to solve all our foundation woes. Every time I look at the mess all I see is dollar signs and know we don't have the money for any of this - not even close. And then I feel my husbands stress about it all.
In my good moments - I know the Lord will take care of all of it. I have faith and see that He has a hand in it. I can see that we could have never sold this house in the future without this work being done. I see that we will have a dry and clean basement for the first time ever - in the near future when the work is finally done. And I can see how the Lord will bring us all the money we need to make it all fit back together again. He has already given us half of it through FEMA.
But the noise and the dirt and the problems are getting to me. It's the in between time that is hard. I won't have to wait 400 years for my rescue here but the Israelites did. Sometimes I wonder how they had any faith left.
As I was driving around today (some of the time I was not lost!), I felt like God was asking me to move into my ache again. Open up to my longing for Him, feel my hunger, feel the pain and the stress. I was listening to that song again 'Movements' by Rend Collective Experiment...I think I listened to it 15 or more times in the car today...here are the lyrics:
I wanna soar with You
Upon wings like eagles
But I'll crawl with You too
When the dark and lonely questions come
I wanna stand true
No matter what's new or comes through
I can’t stand still
Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You
I'm running fast and free to You
‘Cos You are the movement and fight in me
I'm running fast and free to You
‘Cos You are my home where I wanna be
Come move in me
Where I wanna be, come move in me
I wanna float with you
The currents driving me
But I'll paddle hard too
When the waves and rapids overcome
I wanna stand firm
When my mind’s weak and my emotions squirm
I must stand true
Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You
I won't walk away, won't walk away
'But I will crawl with You too, when the dark and lonely questions come''I can't stand still whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You' 'I wanna stand firm when my mind is weak and my emotions squirm' - This is totally how I am feeling right now. In all of my thoughts today I remembered about Luther. How when He was in the monastery, He struggled day and night, he confessed sin constantly, how he ached to understand, how he was driven to wrap his brain around God's grace. I have no idea how long that process took - I would have to look it up. But I feel driven like that - consumed and restless, wondering how to stay open to the Lord - always and keep my heart worshipping - always, my face turned toward Him and arms open wide - always.
I feel a little misunderstood by some. It is a journey - my journey. Perhaps this is where God wants me. In the middle of a mess - learning to trust even though it hurts and its hard. I haven't learned yet to welcome pain and trials and consider it all joy - I still want to hide instead. But I know that won't get me more of Jesus. So I fight on - and keep moving toward Him. Its not always pretty, I don't always say it the right way, sometimes I am filled with doubt, sometimes I am filled with faith. But I know this ache is here for a reason.
'But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for He who comes to God must believe that He exists, and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.' Hebrews 11:6
Today I screwed up many things. I got the time wrong for an appointment with a friend - and missed seeing her. Got lost leaving her place to run errands. Then the errands went poorly. Arrived home starving and to a house that looks like a bomb hit it. There is dirt and mud everywhere. Noise from hammers, jack hammers, a radio, a backhoe and 3 men attempting to solve all our foundation woes. Every time I look at the mess all I see is dollar signs and know we don't have the money for any of this - not even close. And then I feel my husbands stress about it all.
In my good moments - I know the Lord will take care of all of it. I have faith and see that He has a hand in it. I can see that we could have never sold this house in the future without this work being done. I see that we will have a dry and clean basement for the first time ever - in the near future when the work is finally done. And I can see how the Lord will bring us all the money we need to make it all fit back together again. He has already given us half of it through FEMA.
But the noise and the dirt and the problems are getting to me. It's the in between time that is hard. I won't have to wait 400 years for my rescue here but the Israelites did. Sometimes I wonder how they had any faith left.
As I was driving around today (some of the time I was not lost!), I felt like God was asking me to move into my ache again. Open up to my longing for Him, feel my hunger, feel the pain and the stress. I was listening to that song again 'Movements' by Rend Collective Experiment...I think I listened to it 15 or more times in the car today...here are the lyrics:
I wanna soar with You
Upon wings like eagles
But I'll crawl with You too
When the dark and lonely questions come
I wanna stand true
No matter what's new or comes through
I can’t stand still
Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You
I'm running fast and free to You
‘Cos You are the movement and fight in me
I'm running fast and free to You
‘Cos You are my home where I wanna be
Come move in me
Where I wanna be, come move in me
I wanna float with you
The currents driving me
But I'll paddle hard too
When the waves and rapids overcome
I wanna stand firm
When my mind’s weak and my emotions squirm
I must stand true
Whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You
I won't walk away, won't walk away
'But I will crawl with You too, when the dark and lonely questions come''I can't stand still whatever hits I'll keep making movements to You' 'I wanna stand firm when my mind is weak and my emotions squirm' - This is totally how I am feeling right now. In all of my thoughts today I remembered about Luther. How when He was in the monastery, He struggled day and night, he confessed sin constantly, how he ached to understand, how he was driven to wrap his brain around God's grace. I have no idea how long that process took - I would have to look it up. But I feel driven like that - consumed and restless, wondering how to stay open to the Lord - always and keep my heart worshipping - always, my face turned toward Him and arms open wide - always.
I feel a little misunderstood by some. It is a journey - my journey. Perhaps this is where God wants me. In the middle of a mess - learning to trust even though it hurts and its hard. I haven't learned yet to welcome pain and trials and consider it all joy - I still want to hide instead. But I know that won't get me more of Jesus. So I fight on - and keep moving toward Him. Its not always pretty, I don't always say it the right way, sometimes I am filled with doubt, sometimes I am filled with faith. But I know this ache is here for a reason.
'But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for He who comes to God must believe that He exists, and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.' Hebrews 11:6
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
ache
I was chatting with a friend last night, and she said that it felt like I was demanding of God. I agreed with her. I have been demanding. But then I also said I know that it doesn't work - just because I want something doesn't mean I am going to get it, He has shown me that. I still do it anyway at times... Yet in my pursuit of trying to practice the Lord's presence I am trying so hard to understand what and where I am going and doing - what is my role in the drawing near? What are You trying to show me - where are You leading?
I am learning to 'let' God work in me. I have to learn how to 'let' or learn the 'letting' process - or whatever...There is a learning curve I think for sure. She pushed back against me 'trying' to do anything - that felt like more demanding to her - which I can totally see. As I tried to explain it to her I realized what is driving me so strongly to want to know and try and push and pursue...I ache.
The ache is so strong, so deep, so consuming.
Last summer and my experiences with the Lord have left me with a deep wanting. I know what it can be like, I have seen, heard, felt the Lord - walked with Him. We were so close, so intimate. And now that I am without His constant presence I ache for Him.
I asked my friend if she thought that perhaps the Lord has given me this ache - so that I will pursue this journey...she thought maybe yes.
Last night, as I was falling asleep I let myself feel the ache. I took down my barriers to it. I had been avoiding it for quite some time. It hurt to feel it. Like a pain I can barely describe... but as I let myself feel the ache - He was there too. And He said 'I am here - in the ache.'
The place I was avoiding and running from was the very place I could find the Lord. I have been letting myself feel the ache and the Lord all day now - it hurts but the Lord is present. It's worth it.
I am learning to 'let' God work in me. I have to learn how to 'let' or learn the 'letting' process - or whatever...There is a learning curve I think for sure. She pushed back against me 'trying' to do anything - that felt like more demanding to her - which I can totally see. As I tried to explain it to her I realized what is driving me so strongly to want to know and try and push and pursue...I ache.
The ache is so strong, so deep, so consuming.
Last summer and my experiences with the Lord have left me with a deep wanting. I know what it can be like, I have seen, heard, felt the Lord - walked with Him. We were so close, so intimate. And now that I am without His constant presence I ache for Him.
I asked my friend if she thought that perhaps the Lord has given me this ache - so that I will pursue this journey...she thought maybe yes.
Last night, as I was falling asleep I let myself feel the ache. I took down my barriers to it. I had been avoiding it for quite some time. It hurt to feel it. Like a pain I can barely describe... but as I let myself feel the ache - He was there too. And He said 'I am here - in the ache.'
The place I was avoiding and running from was the very place I could find the Lord. I have been letting myself feel the ache and the Lord all day now - it hurts but the Lord is present. It's worth it.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
fog
I am not sure what's going on with me today. I woke up anxious but I am unsure if it was a prayer burden or some of my own fear, I prayed for all of the above. My life is a bit of a mess right now. Everything feels so foggy and uncertain. Even the things I thought were certain feel foggy.
God, I really wish You were a bit easier to know, and feel. There are so many moments when I wish You would just makes things clear. I feel like there is a room in You that I am not allowed in yet. As I have read some of the old contemplatives - they all spoke of You in that way too...going deeper into a castle, drawing near to holy of holies, or being drawn deeper in a spiral of stages. I am longing to know You better but lately there is very little peace. I feel tired and numb.
This verse is from my facebook post this day last year. I am here and waiting Lord, help me to wait with patience.
So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him so He can show you His love and compassion. He is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait on His help. Is 30:18
God, I really wish You were a bit easier to know, and feel. There are so many moments when I wish You would just makes things clear. I feel like there is a room in You that I am not allowed in yet. As I have read some of the old contemplatives - they all spoke of You in that way too...going deeper into a castle, drawing near to holy of holies, or being drawn deeper in a spiral of stages. I am longing to know You better but lately there is very little peace. I feel tired and numb.
This verse is from my facebook post this day last year. I am here and waiting Lord, help me to wait with patience.
So the Lord must wait for you to come to Him so He can show you His love and compassion. He is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait on His help. Is 30:18
Sunday, September 11, 2011
fight
I have been uncommitted to putting myself before God lately. This morning at church I was wondering why that is. Our pastor was talking about Elijah and how up on Mt. Carmel God showed up big to defeat the priests of Baal. But also how right after that, Elijah ran away in fear from Jezebel who threatened to kill him. How unfaithful Elijah was - so untrusting of what He had just experienced. But that is in me too - just looking through my blog - I can see the almost daily ups and downs of my mood, fears, and unbelief.
I feel like Elijah. I am soooo not steadfast, so afraid, so tired. And no one has threatened me with death. My fear is that I will keep putting myself before the Lord and that He will not show up. But it is a lie. He has shown up, and He has promised to reward those who seek Him. So why am I so afraid? There is only more of Him to know...
I am tired. It is indeed true, I am tired. But also I should not be trying to reach to the Lord in my own strength. I can only give Him what He has given me to give.
I have been listening to this song a friend gave me - its from Rend Collective Experiment, Organic Family Hymnal, song called Movements: and the words to the chorus go:
I'm running fast and free to You
Cause You are the movement and fight in me
I'm running fast and free to You
Cause You are my home...where I want to be...come move in me
I like that they say the movement and fight in them is the Lord...Knowing where I fit into the whole thing is hard to figure out. I have to put myself before the Lord but He has to put the desire there to seek Him, but then I have to be obedient to the call but then He has to give me the will and power to be obedient. I could play this game all day but in the end its all God and yet somehow I fit into it too.
So I am back to praying for more fight in me, more faith, a sense that You are there even when I can't feel You...
Lord, I pray You make the movement and fight in me stronger. I want to find my contentment in You and You alone. I want to want You more. I want to be lost in You. I want all things in comparison to You seem like not a big deal. I want to shine out for You, I want to know You, serve You, love You more. I want You to be my home.
I feel like Elijah. I am soooo not steadfast, so afraid, so tired. And no one has threatened me with death. My fear is that I will keep putting myself before the Lord and that He will not show up. But it is a lie. He has shown up, and He has promised to reward those who seek Him. So why am I so afraid? There is only more of Him to know...
I am tired. It is indeed true, I am tired. But also I should not be trying to reach to the Lord in my own strength. I can only give Him what He has given me to give.
I have been listening to this song a friend gave me - its from Rend Collective Experiment, Organic Family Hymnal, song called Movements: and the words to the chorus go:
I'm running fast and free to You
Cause You are the movement and fight in me
I'm running fast and free to You
Cause You are my home...where I want to be...come move in me
I like that they say the movement and fight in them is the Lord...Knowing where I fit into the whole thing is hard to figure out. I have to put myself before the Lord but He has to put the desire there to seek Him, but then I have to be obedient to the call but then He has to give me the will and power to be obedient. I could play this game all day but in the end its all God and yet somehow I fit into it too.
So I am back to praying for more fight in me, more faith, a sense that You are there even when I can't feel You...
Lord, I pray You make the movement and fight in me stronger. I want to find my contentment in You and You alone. I want to want You more. I want to be lost in You. I want all things in comparison to You seem like not a big deal. I want to shine out for You, I want to know You, serve You, love You more. I want You to be my home.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
invisible
It was by faith that Moses, when he grew up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh's daughter. Hebrews 11:24
Many years later, when Moses had grown up, he went out to visit his own people, the Hebrews, and he saw how hard they were forced to work. Exodus 2:11
He chose to share the oppression of God's people instead of enjoying the fleeting pleasures of sin. He thought it was better to suffer for the sake of Christ than to own the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking ahead to his great reward. Hebrews 11:25-26
During his visit, he saw an Egyptian beating one of his fellow Hebrews. After looking in all directions to make sure no one was watching, Moses killed the Egyptian and hid the body in the sand. The next day, Moses went out to visit his people again, he saw two Hebrew men fighting. "Why are you beating up your friend?" Moses said to the one who had started the fight. The men replied, "Who appointed you prince and judge over us? Are you going to kill me as you killed the Egyptian yesterday?" Exodus 2:11-14
It was by faith that Moses left the land of Egypt, not fearing the king's anger. He kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the one who is invisible.
Hebrews 11:24-27
Then Moses was afraid, thinking, "Everyone knows what I did." And sure enough Pharaoh heard what had happened, and he tried to kill Moses. But Moses fled from Pharaoh and went to live in the land of Midian. Exodus 2:14-15
I started reading this section of Hebrews 11 - the faith chapter and I really loved this section about Moses. How he wanted to be identified with His people, pass up on the good life, leave the fleeting life of sin behind. I especially loved the last verse - 27 - 'he kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the one who is invisible.'
Then I remembered the story of Moses killing the Egyptian and fleeing and wondered... perhaps God sees things so very differently than we do - so much more differently...How might He describe me in all my fumbling to find Him? He the loving, doting Father, sees me as He sees Jesus - the beloved Son in whom He is well pleased. Jesus actually earned that right - I am adopted into it by blood, either way...He loves me with more love than I can imagine. How do I keep my eyes on that Invisible One - even when nothing around fits or makes sense...perhaps I don't need to worry so much - perhaps the leading will just come.
Keep my heart turned toward You, Jesus. Keep my eyes fixed on You - the Invisible One - whose hand is behind everything that is seen.
Many years later, when Moses had grown up, he went out to visit his own people, the Hebrews, and he saw how hard they were forced to work. Exodus 2:11
He chose to share the oppression of God's people instead of enjoying the fleeting pleasures of sin. He thought it was better to suffer for the sake of Christ than to own the treasures of Egypt, for he was looking ahead to his great reward. Hebrews 11:25-26
During his visit, he saw an Egyptian beating one of his fellow Hebrews. After looking in all directions to make sure no one was watching, Moses killed the Egyptian and hid the body in the sand. The next day, Moses went out to visit his people again, he saw two Hebrew men fighting. "Why are you beating up your friend?" Moses said to the one who had started the fight. The men replied, "Who appointed you prince and judge over us? Are you going to kill me as you killed the Egyptian yesterday?" Exodus 2:11-14
It was by faith that Moses left the land of Egypt, not fearing the king's anger. He kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the one who is invisible.
Hebrews 11:24-27
Then Moses was afraid, thinking, "Everyone knows what I did." And sure enough Pharaoh heard what had happened, and he tried to kill Moses. But Moses fled from Pharaoh and went to live in the land of Midian. Exodus 2:14-15
I started reading this section of Hebrews 11 - the faith chapter and I really loved this section about Moses. How he wanted to be identified with His people, pass up on the good life, leave the fleeting life of sin behind. I especially loved the last verse - 27 - 'he kept right on going because he kept his eyes on the one who is invisible.'
Then I remembered the story of Moses killing the Egyptian and fleeing and wondered... perhaps God sees things so very differently than we do - so much more differently...How might He describe me in all my fumbling to find Him? He the loving, doting Father, sees me as He sees Jesus - the beloved Son in whom He is well pleased. Jesus actually earned that right - I am adopted into it by blood, either way...He loves me with more love than I can imagine. How do I keep my eyes on that Invisible One - even when nothing around fits or makes sense...perhaps I don't need to worry so much - perhaps the leading will just come.
Keep my heart turned toward You, Jesus. Keep my eyes fixed on You - the Invisible One - whose hand is behind everything that is seen.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
reward
What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see. God gave His approval to people in days of old because of their faith...It is by faith that Enoch was taken up to heaven without dying - " suddenly he disappeared because god took him." But before he was taken up, he was approved as pleasing to God. So you see, it is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who wants to come to Him must believe that there is a God and that He rewards those who sincerely seek Him.
Heb 11: 1-2, 5-6
The Lord brought this to my mind the other day...especially the last verse - that He rewards those who sincerely seek Him. I felt encouraged to keep moving toward Him. I realized in all my wallowing that I had lost sight of His character, that I was too focused on what I wanted again. I am back to praying for more faith, praying that in the future it will be so strong and steadfast that I do not waver. Even if life is hard, or my sin is overwhelming - that I will be able to turn myself back to the truth and believe.
Ahh - flesh is so annoying, frustrating, so infuriating! How I long for the day when heaven will be my home!
Heb 11: 1-2, 5-6
The Lord brought this to my mind the other day...especially the last verse - that He rewards those who sincerely seek Him. I felt encouraged to keep moving toward Him. I realized in all my wallowing that I had lost sight of His character, that I was too focused on what I wanted again. I am back to praying for more faith, praying that in the future it will be so strong and steadfast that I do not waver. Even if life is hard, or my sin is overwhelming - that I will be able to turn myself back to the truth and believe.
Ahh - flesh is so annoying, frustrating, so infuriating! How I long for the day when heaven will be my home!
Friday, August 26, 2011
wallowing
I have been wallowing. One time a very wise women told me that when you wallow in your own shit - than that is all you have to give to others - shit. I have been handing out quite a bit of shit recently. I don't want to anymore. I am done wallowing.
I came to the cross covered in my own shit, dirty, gross and hideous. And You brought me into the light and clothed me in white, washed me in blood, and cleansed me from the inside out. How grateful I am Lord! You love and love, and love - help me to walk in Your love and light.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
questions
What does it mean to walk with You? In Genesis, it says Enoch walked with God. And that He was so special that You took him. Moses got to meet with You - it says face to face, and He glowed with Your glory. The prophet Jeremiah felt Your presence so strongly that He says it felt like a fire in His bones - burning until He spoke Your word.
Did Brother Lawrence, and Frank Laubach, have a special gift that most people do not receive? Is it even possible to walk with You like they did? Or was it a special grace for a special time? What am I doing - is this even something I can pursue? Or is it all just a gift? Did You place this desire in me so that I would draw near?
God - I have no clue what to do next or where we are going or what to think?
Did Brother Lawrence, and Frank Laubach, have a special gift that most people do not receive? Is it even possible to walk with You like they did? Or was it a special grace for a special time? What am I doing - is this even something I can pursue? Or is it all just a gift? Did You place this desire in me so that I would draw near?
God - I have no clue what to do next or where we are going or what to think?
weakness
I have been wallowing in my weakness. I have been discouraged. I have been hating my flesh, yet swimming in it.
I was listening to a Sara Groves song this morning while out on my run. She was singing about us being the moon while Jesus is the sun. We can only reflect His light - we can not make our own - we are only a cold dark stone without Him.
The Lord asked me to stop running and look at the sun as it was rising over the trees and admit that again. Own my weakness before Him, believe again that I can do nothing apart from Him. Realize again that my flesh can do nothing to please Him. And realize again that it really doesn't do anything for me either.
Every now and again I throw away all the promises of God and decide to take a vacation from Him. I give him half-assed effort - if any. I run to all my idols and try them out again - just to make sure they are still there - just to see if they might work. They never do - and they always disappoint and depress me. Food will never fill me up. I will never wake up from the TV to find my sin is magically gone while I ignored it. And my anger never pushes people into the places I want them.
I so want God to work the way I want Him to. Because I am tired. I am tired of fighting. My sin feels so big and overwhelming and God doesn't bring instant relief. He doesn't just wipe it away - I have to fight through it.
This morning He said that owning my weakness is a good starting point - that is when the cross can do its work in me. That is when His light can shine.
I was listening to a Sara Groves song this morning while out on my run. She was singing about us being the moon while Jesus is the sun. We can only reflect His light - we can not make our own - we are only a cold dark stone without Him.
The Lord asked me to stop running and look at the sun as it was rising over the trees and admit that again. Own my weakness before Him, believe again that I can do nothing apart from Him. Realize again that my flesh can do nothing to please Him. And realize again that it really doesn't do anything for me either.
Every now and again I throw away all the promises of God and decide to take a vacation from Him. I give him half-assed effort - if any. I run to all my idols and try them out again - just to make sure they are still there - just to see if they might work. They never do - and they always disappoint and depress me. Food will never fill me up. I will never wake up from the TV to find my sin is magically gone while I ignored it. And my anger never pushes people into the places I want them.
I so want God to work the way I want Him to. Because I am tired. I am tired of fighting. My sin feels so big and overwhelming and God doesn't bring instant relief. He doesn't just wipe it away - I have to fight through it.
This morning He said that owning my weakness is a good starting point - that is when the cross can do its work in me. That is when His light can shine.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
simple
I started reading a book on my vacation - it's called 'A Praying Life' by Paul Miller. It is a great book because it is so simple yet so full of truth. One of the things I really like is getting to see how Paul uses prayer in his life constantly. He is practicing God's presence - and it is so beautifully simple. He doesn't seem to over think things like I tend to do - though maybe he hasn't let us in on that part of himself - I don't know for sure. But what we do get to see is a man leading his family and walking through his life by small continual acts of prayer. He seems to bring even the minutia of life into God's presence, things I wouldn't want to bother God with - he prays about. And crazy, I know, it doesn't seem to bother God one bit.
In his book he talks a lot about seeing ourselves as dependent children - letting all our weaknesses drive us to Jesus, and laying aside cynicism so that we can see the wonder of God all around us.
Already God is using these new thoughts to free me up in prayer. Last night our power was out, and since I sleep with a fan for white noise...sleep was a bit elusive. So I was up late reading and then as I was falling asleep, I began to pray for all the things I really wanted. The things we feel like we shouldn't pray, and the things I feel like I am supposed to fix on my own, the things that hurt to admit I want help with. Oh - how freeing it was! And I felt so close to the Lord! I can't wait to write them all down and see what God will do with it all - see how He weaves His answers together - see how He changes me and the things and people around me - all because I asked - and because He wants to give me good things!
Crazy simple I know...man we know how to screw things up that are really meant to be that simple.
Matthew 7:7-11
Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks. You parents - if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! If you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.
In his book he talks a lot about seeing ourselves as dependent children - letting all our weaknesses drive us to Jesus, and laying aside cynicism so that we can see the wonder of God all around us.
Already God is using these new thoughts to free me up in prayer. Last night our power was out, and since I sleep with a fan for white noise...sleep was a bit elusive. So I was up late reading and then as I was falling asleep, I began to pray for all the things I really wanted. The things we feel like we shouldn't pray, and the things I feel like I am supposed to fix on my own, the things that hurt to admit I want help with. Oh - how freeing it was! And I felt so close to the Lord! I can't wait to write them all down and see what God will do with it all - see how He weaves His answers together - see how He changes me and the things and people around me - all because I asked - and because He wants to give me good things!
Crazy simple I know...man we know how to screw things up that are really meant to be that simple.
Matthew 7:7-11
Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks. You parents - if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! If you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
vacation
I just got back from vacation. I think I took it a bit too seriously. I think I took a vacation from all things that matter. I hardly spent any time with Jesus. There was not enough quiet on my vacation it was too full of doing, moving, shopping, talking, tv watching, and everything you can imagine. There is nothing wrong with any of that, but I wish I had taken more time for quiet, more time to focus myself on the Lord - so that when I was doing all of the things listed above I brought Him with me - instead of leaving Him in the dust trail behind me.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
romans 1
Romans 1:21-25
Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn’t worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused. Claiming to be wise, they instead became utter fools. And instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they worshiped idols made to look like mere people and birds and animals and reptiles.
Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn’t worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused. Claiming to be wise, they instead became utter fools. And instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they worshiped idols made to look like mere people and birds and animals and reptiles.
So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired. As a result, they did vile and degrading things with each other’s bodies. They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen.
God has brought these verses to mind again today. A few years ago He had shown me how I was just like the people described in this passage - and it seems I have forgotten - am no less unlike them now...
When I forget to worship and be thankful - I become dark and confused, and I start listening to the lies of Satan and begin creating my own ideas of who God is and what He wants for me. It's a simple correlation. I used to get so depressed when I saw my sinfulness, now even though depression has not been my 'go to' - I still get so self-focused. My internal thoughts, my ideas, my wants, become my driving force - instead of turning to the Lord - seeking His love and forgiveness. Jesus has already taken care of all of my needs on the cross - I just need to walk in that freedom. I need to turn my face to Him and sing out my joy in knowing Him, showing Him how grateful I am by acting in belief.
rebuke
This morning the Lord rebuked me. It was good - it was needed - it was evidence of His love.
I have been so focused - once again - on me and what I want. My thoughts are so self-centered. I want God to give me a taste of Him - to fill me up - to come and rest His presence on me. But for what? Yes, I would love to feel His presence and the purest joy I have ever known again - and forever. But if that is not where He is leading - why would I want to go there? I need to learn to be satisfied with where, and what He has for me right now. Knowing that He is enough, that He will fill me with the things I need.
A new friend was sharing with me this weekend about a phrase her friend had shared with her - spiritual masturbation. As soon as she said it - I knew it was meant for me. It is a harsh and unfriendly term - and some may really hate it - but to me it is so accurate. That is how I have been behaving - trying to get God to give me the pleasure of His presence as if a certain set of actions or thoughts - or time spent - could get me there. God is not here to bring me just joy. And if I am an heir with Jesus as it says in Romans 8:17 - an heir to the glory of God, then I must also be willing to share in His sufferings - whatever they may be. Whether a prayer burden, or a struggle, or a willingness to believe in Him regardless of what is in my path.
I now realize as I was reading all the contemplatives last summer - that this is what they were talking about. They kept admonishing readers to be focused on Jesus - on the Lord and not on the feelings He sometimes brings. I didn't quite understand what they had meant until this morning. I had thought that all that I felt was God manifesting Himself to me - and indeed it was - but it is not the only way He shows Himself to us. And I can not seek that feeling only - I have to seek Him only - and be satisfied with what He provides in this moment - whether glory or suffering, or something in between. I suppose He has been teaching me this since last fall but now I am finally getting it.
So He asked me to worship Him this morning. So I used my ipod during my prayer time - it's filled with worship music - and tried to turn all of my thoughts toward Him. It really is wonderful to turn all to Him and away from myself and struggles. It wasn't until then that He granted me a taste of His presence again. And I knew He was there and I was right where I was meant to be. It was then that all the things I was meant to be praying for, came flooding into my mind, and my thoughts were finally clear. I am designed to worship - and when I am doing that - and I have my mind focused on Him - He is near and I can breathe again. Now I need to learn how to see Him, worship Him, when life is not so easy. And let Him teach me how to delight in Him when enemies are all around and life is a constant battle.(Psalm 27)
I have been so focused - once again - on me and what I want. My thoughts are so self-centered. I want God to give me a taste of Him - to fill me up - to come and rest His presence on me. But for what? Yes, I would love to feel His presence and the purest joy I have ever known again - and forever. But if that is not where He is leading - why would I want to go there? I need to learn to be satisfied with where, and what He has for me right now. Knowing that He is enough, that He will fill me with the things I need.
A new friend was sharing with me this weekend about a phrase her friend had shared with her - spiritual masturbation. As soon as she said it - I knew it was meant for me. It is a harsh and unfriendly term - and some may really hate it - but to me it is so accurate. That is how I have been behaving - trying to get God to give me the pleasure of His presence as if a certain set of actions or thoughts - or time spent - could get me there. God is not here to bring me just joy. And if I am an heir with Jesus as it says in Romans 8:17 - an heir to the glory of God, then I must also be willing to share in His sufferings - whatever they may be. Whether a prayer burden, or a struggle, or a willingness to believe in Him regardless of what is in my path.
I now realize as I was reading all the contemplatives last summer - that this is what they were talking about. They kept admonishing readers to be focused on Jesus - on the Lord and not on the feelings He sometimes brings. I didn't quite understand what they had meant until this morning. I had thought that all that I felt was God manifesting Himself to me - and indeed it was - but it is not the only way He shows Himself to us. And I can not seek that feeling only - I have to seek Him only - and be satisfied with what He provides in this moment - whether glory or suffering, or something in between. I suppose He has been teaching me this since last fall but now I am finally getting it.
So He asked me to worship Him this morning. So I used my ipod during my prayer time - it's filled with worship music - and tried to turn all of my thoughts toward Him. It really is wonderful to turn all to Him and away from myself and struggles. It wasn't until then that He granted me a taste of His presence again. And I knew He was there and I was right where I was meant to be. It was then that all the things I was meant to be praying for, came flooding into my mind, and my thoughts were finally clear. I am designed to worship - and when I am doing that - and I have my mind focused on Him - He is near and I can breathe again. Now I need to learn how to see Him, worship Him, when life is not so easy. And let Him teach me how to delight in Him when enemies are all around and life is a constant battle.(Psalm 27)
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
joy
I was thinking aloud with a friend today about what it means to have a lasting joy that resides in you - goes with - is a part of you. I have also been thinking about what that means recently on my own, they are just beginning thoughts...
I am thinking about that passage in Peter about women having a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious to the Lord. And how that relates to Psalm 23 and resting in the Lord - resting in the green pasture and by peaceful streams - leaning and resting on the Lord. The picture of delighting in Psalm 27 - where enemies surround but you are so focused on delighting - so focused on resting in and worshipping the Lord that what is happening in the world around you doesn't compare. A joy that bubbles up in you and makes you smile even at the oddest times because you know deep within you that He has it, and it's silly to worry.
I'll will keep thinking about it...
I am thinking about that passage in Peter about women having a gentle and quiet spirit which is precious to the Lord. And how that relates to Psalm 23 and resting in the Lord - resting in the green pasture and by peaceful streams - leaning and resting on the Lord. The picture of delighting in Psalm 27 - where enemies surround but you are so focused on delighting - so focused on resting in and worshipping the Lord that what is happening in the world around you doesn't compare. A joy that bubbles up in you and makes you smile even at the oddest times because you know deep within you that He has it, and it's silly to worry.
I'll will keep thinking about it...
Monday, July 18, 2011
back
How do I get back to you, God? My life has been too loud lately. Not enough quiet, not enough calm on the inside. I have been feeling so charged up, almost wired and nervous for seemingly no reason. Ok - so the retreat was a good reason, but long before that, and now that it is done - I am still unsettled. What do I need to do - to hear from You again - how do I get my heart to quiet down? I am longing to be with You again. Longing to be close, longing to have my face turned to You and have my mind focused on Your glory and worship. I am tired of chaotic thoughts and jumbled emotions.
Father, I pray for direction and clarity, help me know what the next step is.
Father, I pray for direction and clarity, help me know what the next step is.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
retreat
I was just away on our women's retreat. I had to speak in front of 40 women. Honestly, I was panic stricken beforehand. Me and public speaking are not a good match. I usually get so nervous that I can't remember what I want to say - even if I have the whole thing written out. And if I share my heart at all - I blubber and cry - so that all I say is filled with so much emotion and tears that I am unintelligible.
But the Lord directed me to do it anyway. And when the decision was made a couple of months ago - it didn't seem like a bad idea - but as the date came closer - my panic grew. Finally, I asked some really good friends to pray specifically for me. Here is my email to them...
Hey ladies
God you really showed up, thank you so much. You filled me with the words before I got there and then you spoke them through me while I was there. You gave me passion, and of course some tears, but thank you so much for keeping the blubbering at bay! Even though I was still filled with fear, each time I prayed for peace and calm you provided. It did feel like dying a death moving toward my fear, but coming out on the other end of it all, it felt like gain! You have blessed me and I am grateful, I praise you, Father!
But the Lord directed me to do it anyway. And when the decision was made a couple of months ago - it didn't seem like a bad idea - but as the date came closer - my panic grew. Finally, I asked some really good friends to pray specifically for me. Here is my email to them...
Hey ladies
i am emailing because I am doing my writing for the retreat. I have to speak 2 times once on Friday morning and the on saturday morning too. As the retreat is getting closer I am getting more and more steeped in fear and panic. Me and public speaking - no matter how little this may be - 15 max for each... - is like death to me. I have awakened in the night already in sheer panic a couple of times and all i want to do is avoid writing and just run away from the whole thing screaming. I know i tend to exaggerate - I really am not doing that here - at all.
i need your prayers desperately. I read recently in a Piper book that He used to be deathly afraid to speak in public too - vomiting etc. He prayed and asked God to give him a marked measure of success to know that He should continue doing it. I don't feel called to keep speaking per se - but I would really love for people to hear my heart without me being a blubbering, crying idiot in front of 43 women. Oh how that would be amazing. i want to submit to Him, and I have felt called to speak the things that he has in me to say, but oh my....this is way harder than i imagined.
please pray earnestly with me. love you both!
God you really showed up, thank you so much. You filled me with the words before I got there and then you spoke them through me while I was there. You gave me passion, and of course some tears, but thank you so much for keeping the blubbering at bay! Even though I was still filled with fear, each time I prayed for peace and calm you provided. It did feel like dying a death moving toward my fear, but coming out on the other end of it all, it felt like gain! You have blessed me and I am grateful, I praise you, Father!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
nothing compares
So we have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's spirit when He adopted you as His own children. Now we call Him, 'Abba, Father'. For His spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children. And since we are His children we are His heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God's glory. But if we are to share His glory, we must also share His sufferings....yet what we suffer now is nothing to the glory He will reveal to us later.
Romans 8:15-18
I have not received a spirit of fear and slavery - no I have God's spirit and I am His child. He has adopted me - He has plucked me out of darkness and placed me in the light and into His family. I can call on Him as my own father, not like my earthly father, but recognizing Him as He is - and seeing His true character. His spirit joins in with mine and reminds me continually of who I am and who He is - I just need to listen. And since I am a child - I am an heir - heir to all His glory - I get to share His glory with Him! But...to share in His glory - I also have to be willing to share His suffering. I have to be willing to walk on whatever path He puts in front of me. He will choose all the right ones, for the right reasons - I just need to be obedient and do it, and trust His father's heart toward me. So that I will know that what we suffer here and now on earth is nothing, nothing, nothing!...compared to the glory we will have with Him in eternity.
Father, I am amazed at the way you have worked in me, changed me, and made me see so much more clearly. You have shown me who You really are. And I know that this is only the beginning of seeing you as You are, instead of what I would like you to be. I am so excited to see what is next, I am excited to be amazed by You. You have chosen me, and some day You will show me all of Your glory! Help me to be worthy of it by suffering well here and now. Show me how to have more faith, to continually to trust Your heart, and believe Your Word. I want to question without doubt, and believe...I want my hope to be in You only.
Romans 8:15-18
I have not received a spirit of fear and slavery - no I have God's spirit and I am His child. He has adopted me - He has plucked me out of darkness and placed me in the light and into His family. I can call on Him as my own father, not like my earthly father, but recognizing Him as He is - and seeing His true character. His spirit joins in with mine and reminds me continually of who I am and who He is - I just need to listen. And since I am a child - I am an heir - heir to all His glory - I get to share His glory with Him! But...to share in His glory - I also have to be willing to share His suffering. I have to be willing to walk on whatever path He puts in front of me. He will choose all the right ones, for the right reasons - I just need to be obedient and do it, and trust His father's heart toward me. So that I will know that what we suffer here and now on earth is nothing, nothing, nothing!...compared to the glory we will have with Him in eternity.
Father, I am amazed at the way you have worked in me, changed me, and made me see so much more clearly. You have shown me who You really are. And I know that this is only the beginning of seeing you as You are, instead of what I would like you to be. I am so excited to see what is next, I am excited to be amazed by You. You have chosen me, and some day You will show me all of Your glory! Help me to be worthy of it by suffering well here and now. Show me how to have more faith, to continually to trust Your heart, and believe Your Word. I want to question without doubt, and believe...I want my hope to be in You only.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
negative space
I haven't prayed much in the last couple of days. We have had family staying in our home for the weekend and finding the time, and negative space on the inside has been hard. I have come to realize how much time it takes to have the kind of relationship with Jesus I want. When I don't get the time and quiet that I need, my relationship with the Lord suffers, and I feel lost and lonely.
It's like that when I paint as well, when there is no negative space and everything is too full of color or objects our eyes have no place to rest. When life is too full and busy - whether with good things or annoying problems - our heart has trouble finding a place to rest - there is no negative space. I can see why it would be easier to live off in a cloister somewhere, all time is generously allotted for work and prayer and rest. My life is not like that at all, though I do my best at trying to keep life quiet, there are things, and people, and times, that just can't be put off.
I know God knows all of these things and is not staring down at me with a frowny face wondering why I didn't manage to squeeze Him in. But I also know that if I do not make the time and space - it will get eaten up with so much that does not really matter. Worship matters, time with Him matters, hearing Him matters, His Word matters. These are the things that will shape me into the living sacrifice I desire to be, that He calls me to be, so that I can pour myself out when He calls.
It's like that when I paint as well, when there is no negative space and everything is too full of color or objects our eyes have no place to rest. When life is too full and busy - whether with good things or annoying problems - our heart has trouble finding a place to rest - there is no negative space. I can see why it would be easier to live off in a cloister somewhere, all time is generously allotted for work and prayer and rest. My life is not like that at all, though I do my best at trying to keep life quiet, there are things, and people, and times, that just can't be put off.
I know God knows all of these things and is not staring down at me with a frowny face wondering why I didn't manage to squeeze Him in. But I also know that if I do not make the time and space - it will get eaten up with so much that does not really matter. Worship matters, time with Him matters, hearing Him matters, His Word matters. These are the things that will shape me into the living sacrifice I desire to be, that He calls me to be, so that I can pour myself out when He calls.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
attack
Fear seems to be a theme in my life right now. The kind that grips your heart and seizes your stomach, and keeps you awake at night and keeps you consumed during the day. It seems to come and go at odd times, though I try not to entertain those thoughts, I confess that sometimes I do. I do not like being afraid, everything about it feels wrong and out of place, yet it still comes. It comes at me in little lies that life can fall apart at any minute, my husband could get hit by a car, or I could die unexpectedly, or a disease could hit. These lies also come with a lie that God is too small to deal with any of those things or that He doesn't care enough to keep them away. I keep reminding myself that 'perfect love casts out all fear' - again and again I say it to myself.
At first I was trying to figure out if it was a warning from the Lord, but now I am convinced it is a spiritual attack. Because not only am I struggling against fear but confusion. When I try to pray it is almost like I can not put two coherent thoughts together. I usually just end up praying for clarity and to rest in the truth, and end my prayer time early. Another unpleasant side effect is that I am grouchy. Everyone feels like they are hovering, irritating, and fussy. I know it can't be all their fault.
So how do I find my rest in You in all of this Lord? How do I rest in the truth - that your perfect love really does cast out all fear? Jesus - rescue me from my lack of faith.
Psalm 27:3-6
Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident. The one thing I ask of the Lord, The thing I seek the most - is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating in His Temple. For He will conceal me there when troubles come; He will hide me in His sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me. At His sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy, singing and praising the Lord with music.
Today I will sing Your praise - loudly!
At first I was trying to figure out if it was a warning from the Lord, but now I am convinced it is a spiritual attack. Because not only am I struggling against fear but confusion. When I try to pray it is almost like I can not put two coherent thoughts together. I usually just end up praying for clarity and to rest in the truth, and end my prayer time early. Another unpleasant side effect is that I am grouchy. Everyone feels like they are hovering, irritating, and fussy. I know it can't be all their fault.
So how do I find my rest in You in all of this Lord? How do I rest in the truth - that your perfect love really does cast out all fear? Jesus - rescue me from my lack of faith.
Psalm 27:3-6
Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident. The one thing I ask of the Lord, The thing I seek the most - is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating in His Temple. For He will conceal me there when troubles come; He will hide me in His sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me. At His sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy, singing and praising the Lord with music.
Today I will sing Your praise - loudly!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
last night
Last night I could feel the Lord's presence again before I fell asleep. He came and filled my heart. He was near, and I felt whole for the first time in a long time. I just cried, and kept thanking Him again and again for coming to be with me. It was like I knew He would not stay long, just as I was falling asleep, like a father stroking his daughters hair before she drifts off for the night.
Even now it brings me to tears. I miss Him so much when He feels far away, and nothing seems to fit into place like it does when He is close.
I need to keep myself open and worship Him even when I don't know what is going on and I am stuck in confusion. He is still with me, I need to believe that truth just as easily as I breathe.
This David Chrowder song from Church Music, has been playing in my mind this morning as I think back on my night:
My hands are searching for You
My arms are outstretched towards You
I feel You on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for You
This fire rising through my being
Burning, I'm not used to seeing You
I'm alive, I'm alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
My hands float up above me
And You whisper You love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with You
I am alone and they are too with You
And so I cry
The light is white
And I see You
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive
Take my hand, I give it to you
Now you own me, all I am
You said You would never leave me
I believe You, I believe
Even now it brings me to tears. I miss Him so much when He feels far away, and nothing seems to fit into place like it does when He is close.
I need to keep myself open and worship Him even when I don't know what is going on and I am stuck in confusion. He is still with me, I need to believe that truth just as easily as I breathe.
This David Chrowder song from Church Music, has been playing in my mind this morning as I think back on my night:
My hands are searching for You
My arms are outstretched towards You
I feel You on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for You
This fire rising through my being
Burning, I'm not used to seeing You
I'm alive, I'm alive
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing
My hands float up above me
And You whisper You love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place
The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with You
I am alone and they are too with You
And so I cry
The light is white
And I see You
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive
Take my hand, I give it to you
Now you own me, all I am
You said You would never leave me
I believe You, I believe
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